matt tullos

the compost pile of writer, matt tullos. mostly poems, prayers, rants and naratives... "Gods passion for the world has compelled me to be a contributor in the warfare of grace rather than a spectator in the warfare of religion."

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Location: Alexandria, LA, United States

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Glad it's done

spent the day cleaning and everythings looks and feels so much better. More trouble with Isaac's Mustang. This is its third trip to mechanic. I'm smelling lemon. It started overheating so we'll get it in on Monday probably. Tomorrow I'm doing the story of the healing of two blind men on the way to Jerusalem. I love micro-stories and breaking them down into even smaller bites. I think it would be possible to write an entire book on each of the stories of Jesus. In some cases you could write a complete book a singular sentence. Such a rich Word we have been given. I take it for granted so many times. It has it all mystery, history, comedy, wars, passion, deceit, wonder, supernatural, parable, proverb, music, foretelling, poetry, subtext, warning, chivalry, scandel, and grace.

Saturday- Time to focus on the living condition...

What do you get when you place 4 boys, busy parents, a dog, and to cats in a 3 bedroom apartment? A big mess! Darlene has gone to do some final touch ups on the house and I am going to be the slave driver here at the apartment. Last night, CPA beat FRA. Next week will begin the play-offs I believe. CPA is hosting.

Lord, give me success as we try to sort through this squalor.

Friday, October 29, 2004

today's psalm

Peace
Your peace,
grants earth, ocean, grass rest at close of day
and causes creatures great and small
to find shelter and center
the breeze
the glimmering lights of the stratosphere
even the mystery of a kiss
brings the promise of unseen desire
communion
(I love you)
Even the air drawn fast
and deep
within my lungs
reminds me of the invitation to sleep
yes- (though now it will be the same as yesterday)
someday I will see You
and there will be time
to marvel at the grace of wrens and black birds
to know the song of each lonesome sparrow.
to partake in the dance of night and shalom.


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

finally in and am i loving it!

I am now on my G5 and have a flat screen monitor. It's love at first sight. I've been waiting for so long to get a computer at work that was better than my one at home. I can't wait to get my first video editing in on this and watch the renders scorch down the screen.

I'm calmer now than I was last night. I have just been so frustrated with the process of selling this house in Hermitage and at the same time always feeling like our finances are out of control-- every now and then I have a freak out moment which basically is a time for me to "woe-is-me" myself. It's disgusting...

My Mama didn't raise me that way-- always pointing across the globe to kids who barely had rice for supper. It's an ancient tactic but it worked and happened to be and still is true.

Tonight is Franklin Road Academy. It's a great night for football. I am going to try to forget about my worries for a little and stay in the moment.



matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Thursday, October 28, 2004

when garbled just state the facts

Today I...

took nathan and caleb to school early
met in cool springs at the starbucks
(good meeting)
ran into some producers that have lots of gear but they are probably way out of our budgetary league.
ideas are coming together
went with Mark to see Matt's family at St. Thomas
came back to help Craig with his interview for the Men's Frat. folks.
worked on odds and ends such as banner for set
met with louann briefly
did a few contract things
Contacted Northside about the worship stuff.
Went back to St. Thomas to check on Matt J.
doing fine (Thank you Father)
back home
lots of junk to work through at home.
and then I found out that the thing i was expecting was not there which kind of leaves me up in the air and very frustrated.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

emails a flyin'

Spent most of the day working on the details of Tuesday's shoot. Lots of emails on the subject. We got the costing in on the studio which was about twice as much as I thought it was going to be but I still think we'll be getting the project done well under the budget. We are meeting tomorrow with the team. I am very nervous and excited about the shoot. I'm also looking forward to the G5 that is supposed to be coming soon. The past few days I've been eating soup in the office. Creature of habit. I am in my soup phase.

Exciting Story on Polar Express



LOS ANGELES, CA (ANS) -- For nearly 20 years, families around the world have made Chris Van Allsburg’s enchanting story The Polar Express part of their own holiday traditions. Now, Oscar Award-winning filmmaker Robert Zemeckis brings this captivating children’s holiday classic to life in a film that uncovers the true values of Christmas – faith, hope and love. (Pictured: The Polar Express poster).

In 2001, this beloved children’s classic about a doubting boy who takes an extraordinary train ride to The North Pole on Christmas Eve caught the attention of acclaimed actor (and father of four) Tom Hanks. He brought the book to his friend and colleague, filmmaker Robert Zemeckis. The Oscar-winning pair previously explored issues of the human spirit together in Forrest Gump and Cast Away. Both were excited by the important spiritual journey taken by the young hero in The Polar Express.

“It’s a story everyone can relate to,” says Zemeckis, who directs Hanks in multiple roles in the upcoming feature film adaptation of The Polar Express. “So many of us, as children or adults, have questioned our belief in something or gone through the process of having our faith tested and restored.”

Equally excited to take part in this film, Hanks salutes Zemeckis for his ability to bring this holiday classic to life. “Bob will make a movie to test the art form, or to wrestle with some aspect of emotion or human nature,” says Hanks. “He doesn’t take his job lightly. He’s interested in making films that somehow break a mold or challenge not only himself as a filmmaker but the entire motion picture oeuvre in some way.”

Motive Entertainment’s Paul Lauer, who directed the marketing campaign for Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ,” was immediately drawn to Zemeckis’ production of the holiday classic and was honored to once again have the opportunity to bring an inspiring film to the faith and family community.

“Once in a while a film comes along that offers us a great example of biblical values. The Polar Express is one of those films,” says Lauer. “It’s filled with positive themes of kindness, generosity, self-sacrifice, and other core values common to people of faith. The Christian community will find many scenes in this film that can be used as parables to unpack biblical teachings and highlight the true meaning of Christmas.”

Max Lucado and Jim Burns have created teaching messages alongside clips of The Polar Express, provided by Warner Bros. for Motive Entertainment’s “Polar Express Sneak Peek” DVD, which is being distributed to 50,000 churches nationwide this month (available at www.polarexpressmaterials.com).

Renowned for his innovation in landmark movies like Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Forrest Gump, Zemeckis utilized a groundbreaking filmmaking process called performance capture, seen for the first time in The Polar Express, “to offer the beauty and richness of Chris’s illustrations from the book.” A highly advanced motion-capture technique, it allows the actors’ live-action performances to drive the emotions and movements of 3-dimensional digital characters as never before.

The Polar Express opens nationwide in the United States on November 10, 2004.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Amen Reggie!

"'The point is, all the effort to fix the church misses the point. You can build the perfect church - and they (people in the world) still won't come. People are not looking for a great church. They do not wake up every day wondering what church they can make successful.'"

The Present Future
Reggie McNeal

I hate when this happens:-)



You are in a worship experience and all of the sudden people are holding their hands up legally. For Baptists, the rule used to be. It's OK to hold your hands up in worship as long as you are holding someone else's hands. (I suppose this is to preserve order and keep people from waving their hands back and forth or doing the "rockn' roll" sign.

It's also embarrassing to decline participation in these religious hand holding events because you don't want to be the only one not participating. People will wonder if you are a deacon or something.

For most good, Bible believin' Baptists, this is all well and good if you weight train and can do this for over 5 minutes. Pretty soon, I'm thinking more about - am i gonna die-- than i am about God. I prefer "freestyle pentecostal individual hand raising" above this - "that 70's Church version"

Excellent Words From Robert Browning

Earth's crammed with heaven.
   Every common bush afire with God.
Only he who sees takes off his shoes.
   The rest sit around and eat blackberries.


Robert Browning

Frederich Buechner on Grace

Grace is something you can never get but can only be given. There's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.

A good sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace. Somebody loving you is grace.



matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

I think I've learned the dirty truth about blogs

After you have around 40,000 words on any blog the server starts to get very klunky. At least that's my theory. opened to post is taking a lot of time these days. :-(

Monday, October 25, 2004

Lord Tell Me

Tell me how You spanned infinity
and sang of love's eternity
Tell me how your hands bore clay
And formed a man by close of day.
Let my eyes behold the sky
That birthed the grace of morning dew
that taught the sparrow how to fly
to soar Your glory back to You.

church activity

John Shea sums up the work the church this way. “Gather the people, tell the stories, and break the bread.”

Sunday, October 24, 2004

just a few details

very good day today despite all the strange unplanned and unexpeccted news.
i don't have time for commentary so here's the running score.
I went to Northside Baptist and preached (morning ony). Matt (the youth and worship leader) I learned is having open heart surgery on Thursday. What an incredible shock. I can only imagine the stress on his family. And yet the peace of God was so evident. Lord, the joy of worshiping under his leadership! It was inspiring to say the very least. They asked me serve as interim. I am excited about the opportunity to be there at this crucial time. I enjoy the spirit of the church and I pray that God will prepare me to be more than just a fill-in guy. The drive is long but I feel like this is where I need to be. There is nothing so precious to me as being in the right place. Tomorrow I'll ask for permission from my bosses to do this.
Other details- Isaac seemed to have a great time at the dance. As he has been doing lately, he followed the rules. Yes. Oh the little things. Wonderful.

Got back into nashville to meet Darlene to clean our old house. After working for a couple of hours purging the office of junk I called home. Isaac's Mustang wasn't holding a charge and so I came home and helped Darlene get it over to Sears. And here I am now working through the details readying for tomorrow.

Thanks, Jesus. What a friend! You held me through the day's challenges. Prepare me for the day and week ahead.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

and he's off!

Isaac is heading to the school homecoming synchronized movement in his mustang. we had the usual parental lecture.

don't mess with the CD player when driving
shake hands with the dad.
be polite
open the door.
tip.
don't hang out with the wrong group.
call us.
be back on time.

etc... etc... etc...

another psalm

This is my 11th psalm and I haven't missed a day yet:-)


rambling moving creation
definitive yet vicarious in nature
There
(and suprisingly so)
I see You in the glimpses of grace
from the breeze You kiss with midnight mist
You O Creator
Who can doubt the ever moving wonder?
that is the Word
that is mercy
Son of Man
(You are and ever will be
light
breath
hope
joy
I am arrested
by your everlasting mercy.
It is beyond and above my thoughts.
You
Bright and glorious warrior
I crown You King
Scars and wounds are the marks of
strange and glorious passion
For you made, redeemed and brought forth
the coming holy assumption of saints and vagabonds.
I will go down into that strange valley
That fair field of the undiscovered country
there You will meet me
(i believe)
because you are the life giver
the deliverer
the Champion of redemption
Let me seek and find
Let me run and shout
radically teach me the dance of david
and I will place my temple on the ground of worship
gripping dirt in shoeless worship.

Friday, October 22, 2004

These days....

our work team is facing the reality. "We're gonna need a bigger boat..."

Thursday, October 21, 2004

It's 11PM and I know where my kids are.

Stayed at the office until around 8 PM. Got scads done. It's amazing how work is completed when people go home. I wish LifeWay had a nightshift. I don't think I have a creative thought in my brain before 2pm. Maybe one of these days I'll be the old guy that comes to work when he wants to but enough of the fantasy world. Tomorrow I'm staying home to write.

Today, I felt blessed to be a LifeWay guy. I fired an email up-line about the business and I'll be anxiously waiting to see if it lands on fertile ground.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Dick Staub quote re: the present

“these are the best of times and the worst of times, but they are the only times we have.”

prayer book?

recently I've been enthralled with the idea of a Prayer Book for evangelicals. I know that goes against the grain of my Baptist roots but during my trip to Lafayette, the thought arrested me. I began concieve of a worship (not devotional) but a private worship book with psalms, prayers and scripture readings that could used 3 times a day (maybe 4)--- rich in scripture...


if simply for my own enrichment I might begin to do some work on this.

Jehovah the Mighty One (responsive reading)

Who is the one that measured the span of an infinite universe?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the one that took the dust of earth and fashioned man?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the One that spoke life into being?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Wo is the one that spoke through mules, in flames, and on mountains?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the one that can bring the most powerful nations to nothing?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the one that causes shepherds to slay giants?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
He is beyond any thought, act, birth, death, fear, joy, song, doubt, or distance.
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Scripture for today

“After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who neither knew the LORD nor what He had done…”

- Judges 2:10


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Isaac's night

Isaac said he really enjoyed the men's conference last night. "Season of Life"
He told me the major points and seemed to drink it all in. He hasn't said anything like, "You know, Dad. I realize that Jesus is my only hope and I have made a commitment to follow Him." But I feel like he is moving toward Him. I still believe that his commitment as a child was real. I pray that God will place his feet on the solid ground of truth.


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Last night

Darlene had her school program. It went great. It seems like she's found a great place to serve. We are still working through what we should do with Caleb. We checked a Kindercare program for after school but it is around 350 per month for 30-45 minutes of care. YIKES! I can't believe how much it costs. Lord, give us an understanding and guidance.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

a sports entry?

Almost as a rule I never make them. but being the underdog lover that I am I must express my joy over the major grand slam the red sox just registered over the yanks.


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

minor details

today i did a little traveling around. I took Jacob and Max to an interview at the fancy foriegn car dealership and then later I had to pick up Caleb. We've been on a video game ban for the past week and it's been a rather nice change. I can't seem to shake my weariness. Still tired from the trip this past weekend. It was fun to get away but I came home to a lot of work.


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Chesterton on Hope

"In the struggle for existence, it is only on those who hang on for ten minutes after all is hopeless, that hope begins to dawn." G.K. Chesterton


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

groggy day

weary today... did what i had to do and a few other things. Last night the storms around nashville were intense. I think that's why I'm so wiped out. the electricity went out about ten times.




matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

my mom's easy peanut butter cookie recipe

cup of peanut butter
cup of sugar
one egg

mix
blap on sheet
350 degrees

viola!

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Prayer for Isaac

Lord,

I come before you right now, realizing that Your plan always seems to be different than my plan, but I'm going to ask this anyway- knowing that I don't deserve to ask anything of you--- but I pray that you will do something tonight as Isaac attends this men's conference with the football team. Lord, keep him clear of distractions. Let him see you for who you are!! Lord, I am a begging man. A fearful creature, i am. But, You know I love him. You know my heart on this God. I pray, faithless as I may be sometimes-- so afraid that if nothing happens- that it will be a discouragement- but, see me God... I just don't care anymore. If He doesn't change spiritually-- if he doesn't turn around and believe in You with all his heart. I will not slam prayer or faith or anything else. I'm just going to keep on knocking.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

O God! Open him up. Bring him into a powerful relationship with You.

(Satan, you get off my property. You're way out of bounds)

Event info:
SEASON OF LIFE - JEFFREY MARX / JOE EHRMAN
October 19, 2004
6:30PM
Listen to the author of Season of Life and the man the book is about speak and inspire you about how young men are being raised.





matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Modern Psalm 8

Let the
liberating
death denying
soul surviving
grace abounding
love surrounding
Satan stopping
music swelling
freedom singing
hope reclaiming
blessing naming
song
begin!



matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.blogspot.com

Monday, October 18, 2004

in the player

Chris Tomin: Arriving


matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Jacob

Praying for Jacob. His teacher called and said that he was having a rough day emotionally. this is the first time this year that he's dealt with this. Things seemed to be going well. Lord, prepare me for what is ahead.

back home

I've been blogless for a couple of days. I am back and I have so much to record I'll probably do this over the course of the next day. I burned the interstates this weekend. Took Darlene's car and enjoyed the journey. It amazed me to see all the work that went into this weekend. Emory did a great job and i enjoyed visiting with her, charles and rebecca, ev, and a few other friends that I haven't seen in a while.

What did God teach me this weekend? I think he revealed my lack of real faith. (i hate it when he does that.) I realized that I don't really know the purpose of an event until I get there. sometimes God places us in functional areas that seem to have "stand-alone" purposes when really our primary purpose is the unknown purpose. I also fought the personal battle of cynicism. Lord I repent. I became aware of my waning passion that needs to be ignited.

Visited with mom and dad at the house. I arrived there Saturday night at around 9 PM. I enjoyed sitting on the porch and catching up with them the next morning and then going to visit "the hole" a place where i could later build a house if God asked me to move back to Louisiana. After going around the pond. Melodye and I sat down on some lawn chairs and visited some more. We had Mom's gumbo for lunch, bread pudding for dessert. Lunch helped me realize why it's appointed unto me to live in Tennessee. I need to be able to fit through doors:-) Then at 3:45 I started back home. I drove and rested my mind behind the wheel. Now I'm about ready to begin working on the apartment.

Friday, October 15, 2004

in lafayette

I got in at around 3:30AM. got a little lost in town but finally made it to the hotel. short night. I taught one class but attendance was sparse for the major break out sessions so overall an easy day. I ate with Mark, Susan and Luke at Don's Seafood. Wonderful. It's so hard for me to believe that Luke has become such a mature man... God bless him. I am amazed at the peace in their home. Too tired to give anymore details but overall a great day and night. Now ready for rest.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God have mercy.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

finishing up the work before leaving...

I've been to a required class on OS X. Now I'm working on LifeSource until I leave for two other meetings. This will be a long, long, day.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

This prayer leapt from the pages this morning...

Almighty God, who seest that we have no power of ourselves to help ourselves:  Keep us both outwardly in our bodies and inwardly in our souls, that we may be defended from all adversities which may happen to the body, and from all evil thoughts which may assault and hurt the soul; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.   Amen.

Book of Common Prayer

C.S. Lewis on comfort

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: If you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth - only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

the work of today

department meetings, lunch for the Vital Character writers conference. (Ted's Montana grill) and then back for a meeting on the book. Worked some on of the video. And then scans for Darlene. Tonight will be a long one but I suddenly have a burst of energy. Probably fearing all I have to do to get off tomorrow. I found out that I have a mandatory meeting at 2PM which means getting off at 3 and getting to Lafayette around midnight. But that's OK. Just excited about getting out of town.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

we listen

we listen
because the world is still
we don't know the fury of the wind or the smile of sun
if never touched and never won
(sweet friend)
do not fear the dust of death
fear not the close of age
fear a life not lived
and the empty page

koinonia

The Greek word we use as “fellowship”: koinonia, can also be translated, “providing for the needs of” or “sharing resources.”

Is this the conventional churches definition for fellowship?

can't shake it!

this blasted cold has stepped it up a notch. I've been on and off with this cold. I'm sick of sick. Hoping to get some good rest tonight. I am drained and tired of my head being messed up. It's gross and I'll be glad when it's over.

Isaac got the car tonight. On thursday, he'll take his driver's test.

Albert Einstein: Curiosity

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

tuesday's movement

was quite limited. I did have a meeting this afternoon with the True Love Waits committee. I ate in my office and spent most of the day cacooning over Let's Worship details, emails, and other smaller things. I'm about to go home to get things squared away to pick up Isaac's car. He is so excited. Lord, I pray for safety for him and sanity for me.

I was asked to do BCL week at Glorieta. I'm going to check out the possibilities I believe I'll be spending a number of weeks at the conference centers- which I think will be a good thing, especially if I can have some time there with the boys.

at the risk of being absurd, overly ambitious or sanctimonius....

I am going to try to write a short modern psalm every day for the rest of my life. I hate even writing it down because it sounds so pretentious but I feel like this will enhance my prayer life and give me some much needed focus. I'll house them at a secondary blog I've created modernpsalms.blogspot.com

I know that "rest of my life" is an absurb propostion. But the Christ-journey is filled with foolishness and absurdity. so here we go!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Dallas Willard quote

we are constantly learning to live our life as Jesus would live our life if he were we. The point here is that we are not trying to live his life but our life. In the flesh Jesus’ life has already been lived. It is our life that needs the living. Remember, Jesus really is Lord; he is the Master of life, all life. He can teach you and me how to live our life.

Charles Spurgeon quote

"there will be more souls led to heaven by a man who wears heaven in his face than by one who bears Hell in his looks."

back at the office

i'm so ready to get this week done and head out to louisiana! i look forward to the night driving. just me and some really good music. time to think and reflect. time to see the trees and the water. time to visit with family and a couple of dear friends.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

years ago it was...

years ago it was- what will i be when i grow up?
now.... what will i be when my kids grow up?

moving forward

joined Brentwood Baptist
made mom's lasagna
patriot games
sick of election spin and lies
isaac joined with us
brentwood is a rich church and we're just faces in the crowd i believe.
i am somewhat cynical about chances to contribute but we're putting the kids first and this is the best move for them and Darlene.
they have tomorrow off (the kids and dar
isaac and i will go tomorrow.
much work to do.
prayers...
looking forward to my trip to LA.
can't wait...


Saturday, October 09, 2004

there are two:grief/fear

Some days i triumph
like a knighted warrior
the swell of the symphony and crimson petals fall with grace
like the grand golden mystery
from the lips of my sweet Savior
and other days i fear the silence of night and the uncertainty
quaking the foundation of my path.
i stand as the subject of a cosmic custody battle
between my creator and the fallen enemy
i cry not for justice
i beg for mercy
restless
violent
reluctant
longing for saftey in bleak complexity.

Friday, October 08, 2004

isaac's progress...

i don't think I would have imagined doing this a year ago, but we are letting Isaac buy a car. I tremble to think of it, but he has done everything we've asked of him. He has become a very wise son- quite different from a year ago when we were pulling our hair out trying to figure out what to do. he has no grade under 95 and he is excited about church.

click here to read what it was like a year ago

We have had a great turn around thanks to the prayers of our beloved friends. God once again has reminded me of His faithfullness.

To God be the glory. Great things he has done!


another great Twain Quote

The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.

www.tullos.org

Mark Twain says....

For business reasons, I must preserve the outward appearance of sanity.

everything

everything is Yours
from entrance
to exit
from tears
to joy
from winding road
to rushing wave
from highest peek
to darkest depths
you are above
around
beside
from new moon's birth
from changing tide
You speak to starfields
Your grace echoes
to the distant bounds of eternity
from simplicity
to infinite complexity
Oh warrior God
lover of creation
who would stand against You?
who would pause
the divine, endless
dance
toward
this mysterious answer
yes.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

The kick is up and...

I finished the first script for LifeSource and now ready to get reactions from the team. I am so excited about how this thing is progressing. Lord, keep me centered on You and not on me in this! I am so fearful of being a stumbling block. I kind of feel like a field goal kicker who has been sent out to kick a field goal with three seconds on the clock that will send my team to the play-offs. Help me to not forget the team that drove us down the field. (Yes, you know it's October when I start using football analogies to describe spiritual stuff.

details

busy day ahead. I have a meeting with Chris Turner and then I need to finish work on the Let's Worship contracts and the pilot script for Life Source.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Quiet... Ah

breathing and dreaming (they are my family)
here I am
awake and seeking
Angels
surrounding these
guarding
let thy servant O Lord
cross into the undiscovered land
I rest in Your arms of love.
Take me.

Life Source Reprieve

Yes! We have more time! THANK YOU JESUS!

king of pain

Last night I had one of those personal discussions with myself (I am certified) about pain and pain killers. I am surrounded by hurting people. Indeed I carry around a good bit of pain myself. I spent about an hour in my car and I just allowed myself to explore a subject that I avoid most of the time. That seems to be my m.o. regarding the subject. Avoid thinking about the pain and it will go away. But it doesn't. I have somewhat of a pain-phobia.

Sting's lyric comes to mind:

"I have stood here before in the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I always thought you could end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain"



I don't like to be in pain and I don't want others to be in pain. I guess that's why I am an approval addict. I don't like to cause pain. That’s why I'm so easily persuaded. That's why my days run together with the galloping madness of a stampede. That's why it's so hard for me to be an editor. (Sending out rejection slips is the most painful thing I do because I know the pain I feel when I get those blasted things in the mail or when I am rejected personally. I take way too much ownership over my ideas. This is whitewashed idolatry, pure and simple.

God continues to reveal to me, not my sin, because that is ever before me. But he is showing me the root. It's a scary proposition. Somewhat like opening the report card, hoping for the best but deep down knowing that things are pretty screwed up. Fear of pain leads ultimately to greater pain. The pain will happen. As Lewis said, it is God's megaphone to bring us out of the nursery.

As I grow older, my eyesight weakens, yes. But my vision into myself increases. I can look back and answer questions. Why did I fall into clinical depression? Because of a fear of confrontation. Why did I make life-decisions that ultimately caused me pain- usually the root has been fear. Fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, fear of intimacy, (I know this sounds insane and ironic) fear of hell, fear of peril, fear that I will be "found out", meaning that I'm not the person that I want to be, fear of failure, fear of death. Fear is a powerful force. This fear and timidity has caused me to make incredibly absurd, stupid decisions and I am left to deal with the remorse of its power over me. The thing so terrible and awesomely daunting about fear is that I don't think there is anything I can do in my own power to get this villain out of my life. To be delivered from it requires me to trust wholly in Christ alone. That just seems too simplistic- and I guess that's the point. If I am not willing to be simplistic my life will be a complicated mess.

I give up

Final Score

Age: 1
Tullos:0

Yesterday, I resigned myself to aging and bought a pair of reading glasses. What's next?

It's really wierd. I am seeing the screen much better but my eyes feel a little sore after I wear them for a few minutes. I don't know if they are right for me. I don't really expect them to improve my writing but I definitely see the aftermath a whole lot better.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Let's Worship- Spring 05 is Gone!

We finished the issue and sent it to the printer on time. I'm relieved. Now I have a chance to get on top of my work and focus my energy on quality control and creativity.

Lord, thanks for making this day easier than I thought it was going to be. Now I pray that you'll help me folow through on details, contacts, contracts, reading, and most importantly developing new ideas.

meeting on Life Source (formerly known as DIG)

We had a great day meeting with Charlie, Ruth and Brett. It is amazing how God is putting the team together. We might even have more time that I thought we had.

email from G.B.

Recieved this email from GB who is on a mission trip in India.

We had church this Sunday morning. I was to preach. The pastor picked us up at 9:15. We drove to his church, which was about 15 minutes away. They did some singing. A young fellow was sitting on the back row, in a chair. He started swaying during the music. He had his hands raised, his eyes closed, and he looked like he was in agony. He fell to the floor, and started writhing towards the front of the church, on his belly. He got all the way to the front and started jerking back and forth. He was right in front of me. The pastor was watching him out of one eye. He was getting more erratic. The pastor came around and started praying for him. He kept pointing at me and saying something. I found out later he was saying, "Keep that Englishman away from me." The pastor motioned me over. I started praying for him. He is going bizerk! He starts jerking around on the floor - holding my pants legs. I have one hand in the air praying. The other I am holding a microphone. I am praying. He is pulling on my pants legs. I start thinking, "I am about to lose my pants! Here I am - in the middle of this excorcism, and I am going to be standing here in my fruit of the looms! This is not a good thing. I shorten my prayer a bit. I am done. The pastor continues with the guy! He finally relaxes and his entire countenance has changed. He is at peace. He is raising his hands in praise. He is calm. I thought of the text where the Gospel said the demoniac was clothed and in his right mind. He is praising God.

I preached. We had a man with a burgandy turban come in and sit next to where I had been sitting. After I am done preaching, the preacher gave an invitation type thing. People put up their hands. Afterwards, he had us sit. Then Ted with the Turban came up. He handed me his card. He is a preacher. He starts to preach. For an hour he preached. Afterwards, he gave an invitation. Now Ted has not seen the writhing on the floor guy. During the invitation (second one) the writher heads towards the front again. He and Ted get into a shouting match. Ted has him by the collar. It is definitely spirtual warfare in front of us. It was amazing. Ted tells the crowd to splt, they do, like the red sea between the writher and the front door. Ted and the writher are going at it. Then the writher falls to the floor. Ted starts clapping. The whole place erupts in joy. You can feel the Spirit in the place in a real way. It was amazing. Then, we have the Lord's Supper. (By now, we have been there 3 hours!).

One lady takes the cup and starts writhing on the floor. The pastor tells everybody to back up. He leaves her to writhe on the floor by herself - unattended.

We have a closing prayer. The lady is calmed down.

After church we went upstairs to the pastor's house. He lives above the church. We have cookies and cola. He explains that he has been working with the lady and that she is not ready to be delivered. Oh, we say, as if this is the most normal thing in the world.

We came back to the hotel.

Then we went to the Red Pepper restaurant for lunch. It's now 2:30. We left for church at 9:15 - remember?

We struck up a conversation with the owners, who invited us to go to an open air bazarre with them. We did (kathy Edwards- my team member and Dale McClesky - my roomie). The lady owner is a believer. The husband is not. We go to the bazarre. I bought 3 elephants - but no boxes.

The took us to a Lebanese place where we had rotissary chicken. And then to have hot fudge ice cream sundaes.

They want us to come back and to let them take us to eat at the army base and etc. They are great folk.

We have had a great day. If India stays this much fun, I will be sad to leave. But, if I keep eating like I did today, I am going to have to buy me a sari to start wearing.

gb

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Humor Quote- Marriage

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 


 Rita Rudner

Back home after preaching

went well. now ready to focus on Let's Worship tomorrow. It should be a very busy day. I need to finish the indexes for the spring issue and then we've got a major meeting with bret robbe and charlie and ruth Jones. I think tomorrow will be fun but i'm sure it'll be exhausting. so full of things to do. flight checking let's worship... tomorrow is critical and i'll need to be at the top of my game.

so how did I become a night person...

i just don't know where that came from. I always feel alive at night and forced in the morning. I get up early but my greatest communion seems to come at midnight. Now here I am when a plethora of thoughts, prayer, and ideas but I MUST go to bed. I know that all spiritual people meet God in the morning (or so i've been told by numerous mentors) but i am here right now and i must go to bed. Mom's a morning person, Dad's a morning person... I don't have a new thought until the second cup and the compulsion toward reflection and obsessive praying comes to me at night. What's with that?

Saturday, October 02, 2004

I'd better post...

before i go to bed. i felt totally sunk. tired and a bit strung out from the past few days of work. tomorrow I'll be in McMinnville at Northside baptist to speak- morning and evening. I still haven't heard anything about what they plan to do. I think they are very close to calling a pastor so even if I do get some more invitations it won't last long, unless something goes off the radar with them and the candidate..

Last night we went to Isaac's game. He continues to amaze me with his turn-around. I can't express how wonderful his progress has been.

Lord, You have indeed been at work and you were right when you told me that this was something I couldn't do but that You just wanted me to witness Your acts and stand amazed. I must tell you that I am amazed.

My life in so many ways has been a struggle to hide needs and to grow up when actually you wanted me to acknowledge how needy and weak and empty I am and to stop this growing up and selfmakingment. It's wicked, it's idolatry and it is a travesty laid bare before a holy God.

My salvation and my position in the Kingdom is not based upon my own righteousness or my ability to be everything that people expect of me. My writing, my performances, my friendships and everything else that I do for my own position is a pile of waste when I listen for applause, when I seek a nod, or a praise. Pride even mixed with good intention remains a ball and chain.


I am only righteous because of Jesus, It it soley based on the act of Jesus, perfect. It's Jesus plus nothing else.

Oh God, may this thought invade every aspect of my life. Jesus and nothing else.

Have mercy on this frail, prideful angry person, this beggar clinging to the husks. I condemn the rock handed, white washed Christian that I can be sometimes. I run to you, Lord. And You have been so patient with me.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God have mercy.

Friday, October 01, 2004

New important term (for me at least regarding the adjectives)

nisi credideritis, non intellegetis

Unless you believe, you will not understand

And then there were three

We have three new names for DIG. Yesterday was a good day. We found out that we'll only have to do three sample video segments for summer 05 and then start in earnest in the fall.

Dylan Thomas "Poem for October"

Every year on the first of October, (since college) I've read this poem though I'm sure I've missed a year here and there.

It was my thirtieth year to heaven
Woke to my hearing from harbour and neighbour wood
And the mussel pooled and the heron
Priested shore
The morning beckon
With water praying and call of seagull and rook
And the knock of sailing boats on the net webbed wall
Myself to set foot
That second
In the still sleeping town and set forth.

My birthday began with the water-
Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name
Above the farms and the white horses
And I rose
In rainy autumn
And walked abroad in a shower of all my days.
High tide and the heron dived when I took the road
Over the border
And the gates
Of the town closed as the town awoke.

A springful of larks in a rolling
Cloud and the roadside bushes brimming with whistling
Blackbirds and the sun of October
Summery
On the hill's shoulder,
Here were fond climates and sweet singers suddenly
Come in the morning where I wandered and listened
To the rain wringing
Wind blow cold
In the wood faraway under me.

Pale rain over the dwindling harbour
And over the sea wet church the size of a snail
With its horns through mist and the castle
Brown as owls
But all the gardens
Of spring and summer were blooming in the tall tales
Beyond the border and under the lark full cloud.
There could I marvel
My birthday
Away but the weather turned around.

It turned away from the blithe country
And down the other air and the blue altered sky
Streamed again a wonder of summer
With apples
Pears and red currants
And I saw in the turning so clearly a child's
Forgotten mornings when he walked with his mother
Through the parables
Of sun light
And the legends of the green chapels

And the twice told fields of infancy
That his tears burned my cheeks and his heart moved in mine.
These were the woods the river and sea
Where a boy
In the listening
Summertime of the dead whispered the truth of his joy
To the trees and the stones and the fish in the tide.
And the mystery
Sang alive
Still in the water and singingbirds.

And there could I marvel my birthday
Away but the weather turned around. And the true
Joy of the long dead child sang burning
In the sun.
It was my thirtieth
Year to heaven stood there then in the summer noon
Though the town below lay leaved with October blood.
O may my heart's truth
Still be sung
On this high hill in a year's turning.


-- Dylan Thomas

my political view is best articulated in this statement...

I believe that the end of the world is approaching; that at the last day Christ will descend from heaven, and raise the dead from the grave to final retribution; that a solemn separation will then take place; that the wicked will be adjudged to endless punishment, and those in Christ to endless joy.

New Hampshire Baptist Confession 1833