Finished another expense report, still unpacking and trying to catch up on calls, emails, and deadlines.

Caleb is doing so well in school now. We've been worried about his school experience because he's so unstructured and would rather play pretend, dance, and stay loose and flexible in his own peculiar way. He's very interested now in the learning process. Letters and numbers still appear backwards a little less than half the time.

Jacob is getting ready to be in another of Josh and Beth's Christmas shows. Same show- I think they're just tweaking it a little.

Isaac has asked if he can go to the Homecoming at his old school and I'm struggling with what I should say. Lord give me wisdom to know what to do.

David in Psalm 6- tired, helpless, and hopeless cries out (perhaps in the predawn hours.)

Job 36:16 "He delivers the poor in their affliction and opens their ears during oppression."

Tullos: Lord, I sit here with ears wide open. What are You saying to me today? What is the message of oppression. I thank You that You are a God whose still, small voice becomes louder and more sure when our lives are messed up.

Psalm 6:6 "I am weary of groaning. All night I make my bed swim."

Peterson describes it this way:
"My bed has been floating forty days and nights
On the flood of my tears.
My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears."

The pain of isolation is felt more deeply by those that have been closest to the fire.

Lord, I'm empty fill me.
I'm flesh bound, kill me.
I'm tired, rest me.
I'm proud, test me.
I'm hungry, Feed me.
I'm lost, led me.
I'm angry, Soothe me.
I'm doubting, prove me.
I'm wondering, tell me.
I'm waiting compel me
I'm hurting, heal me.
I'm numb, feel thee.
I'm burning, cool me.
I'm freezing, warm me.
I'm broken, Change me.
I'm scattered, arrange me.
Do it all. Everything you need to do to make me- eyes open, full sprinting, fight to the death committed.

Very Cool Quote from Bill Malonee:

"i get on one day at a time...just like you...and yes...i have joy...
my vision is for everyone to go to bed full tonight on this cold-hearted strange little orb...and for all (after what is for many, nothing but a sad and terrible sojurn here) to one day awaken in the arms of Jesus,"at Whose right hand is the fullness of joy...forevermore." Psalm 16
and so my hope is no different than the hope of many here.
let us stay the course...
i write 'cause i love it...(and St. Brenda says "go fer it!")...and i write from the inside out 'cause that's all i know how to do...and 'cause it's too hard to write like those Nashiville cats with all the linear story lines and button pushing, flag-waving, tear-in-da-beer, "lemmee sell you truck, cowboy!" formulas...

Back from a really cool, frantic, friendly, exhausting, inspiring trip to Florida. Drove hurriedly back to the family and now I'm ready to get back on the writing. I didn't get as much writing done while I was away. Nothing new. It's hard to multitask between writing and teaching. I don't know how somefolks do it. I start out on the trips with good intentions. I'm going to write 3000 words while I'm gone. That's what I tell myself but then I get back to the room and I can't even press the power button on my computer. I received lots of great ideas while away. Clawson was incredible. Deadly bleak at times but very inspiring always.

I always feel like my low opinion of myself asserts itself during performance. I seem to want to tell people over and over that I'm not one to be emulated. When I got home Isaac and Jacob had returned from a Preds game. I think Isaac is making slow but steady steps toward normalcy. Lord, I am reminded that it must be a work from you- this change in his life. Lord, through the power of your blood I pray for you to reign in this house.

750 dollars repairing the minivan
3100 dollar repair on the Olds.
30 dollars to fill-up.
Knowing that cars will not be in heaven-
priceless.

Isaac seems to be coming along at Christ Pres. It's obvious that God is at work in his life. I need to be careful not to expect immediate changes, but we are seeing interesting activity in the transition.

Back home after a busy day. Lots of time on the road doing the carpooling deal.
I don't think Shakespeare ever carpooled. Working now on the October 1st book deadline. And getting ready to pack for my trip to Orlando for the Florida Baptist Music Conference. I'll be driving and dictating most of the way. My strategy is to dictate and the transcribe, edit, and rewrite when I'm off the road.

I'm ready to be alone. Tired of the talk. I spent most of my day with the door closed working on Let's Worship. Productive day but reclusive...

What do I know?
Only a few things.
Simple things.
I know that I am blessed beyond measure.
I am fearfully blessed.
To whom much is given...
I know there is the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.
And there is an enemy.
I know that life is not fair.
And I've come to know that sometimes unfairness is called mercy.
I know that life is fragile. A treasure worth protecting.
I know that relationships are difficult.
I know that I am highly sensitive to life.
A blessing and a curse.
I know that have gazed into the territory of insanity and brilliance
And that the boundaries between the two are mysteriously nebulous.
I've learned that I don't know as much as I thought I knew.
But I do know the one who knows things that I never even thought about knowing.
I know that I am not in control. In fact I've felt less in control with each day of greater responsibility.
I know that I can laugh hysterically and weep shamelessly within the same day and sleep soundly afterward,
I know that the Bible is a sword but God uses it as a scalpel.
I know that this story is not over.
I know that one day I will see the end.
And that it will be something wonderful.

Lord, I pray for an understanding of the heart that changes my desires and brings them in line with your desires. I step back from the panorama of my life circumstances and realize that through life you are really answering the desire of my heart. You are chiseling away the things that bring no glory to You. It hurts. It's not the way I'd like to be changed. But I can't deny that it's working. More of You and less of me. And yet I have so far to go.

I cling to this word: 1 Peter 5:13
The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ--eternal and glorious plans they are!-will have you put together and on your feet for good. (MSG)

The Desert

a place of wandering
and rest
age of introspection
time of wondering
wishing
hoping
waiting
that this journey will begin
againnot death
not life
a cocoon of dissonance
and strange satisfaction
burning bushes and temptation
testing
a place
a crucible
an encounter
God or the lord of flies
illusions
or parched expectations
wishing
wondering
waiting.

Yesterday was difficult. We have come to the realization that Isaac's diliverance from rebellion could be a long, long, fight. But Lord, I'm willing to stand in the gap for him. We are asking you, Lord to bring judgement against the forces that are lusting for his demise. Lord I plead the blood of Jesus not only for his life, but over the lives of our other sons.

We are meeting with Ed Lamaynce tomorrow. He's planning on speaking with Isaac. Lord, I pray that Isaac will be open to what Ed has to say. I am asking You, Lord to do a miraculous work in his life. Give us the strength to war on his behalf, through the blood of Your son, Jesus.

My thoughts have constantly been on Isaac's return to You, Lord. I reject the worry strategy because I know that it doesn't work. The very act of worry cancels my belief in You, Lord.

Oh sacred hands now wounded
That loved this wretched throng
The tortured one discarded
disfigured and alone
How cruel the shame and terror
The sacrificial lamb
Transgressions laid upon him
The dying Son of Man

He followed me to work this morning.
I saw him several times and frankly it scares me.
I didn't invite him. He's crashing my day.
In fact I told him NOT to come.
He pops in at the most inopportune times.
He shadows me some days- this nefarious stalker.
I see him on TV.
In my rear view mirror.
I manage to lose him on good days at least for a minute or two.
He grants companionship but never peace.
I will lose him for good one day-
a day that will never be too early.
his name is Flesh.

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the questions that storm inside my head

Are you willing to take a chance even if it costs your reputation?
Are you not tethered by gadgets and pretty things and lovely people?
Are you tired of the blah, blah, blah of appearance management corporations?
Is your gag reflex activated at the sight of injustice and intimidation?
Are open to dropping everything at in the twinkling of an eye?
Have you had enough of broad ways and 150 channels of nothing worth your time?
Are you ready for tongues or fire, burning bushes, and parting waters?
Are you beaten down, bored to tears, sick of trying or through with walls?
Then, my love- let’s go.

Just a few details of my life-
Getting my car back today.
Preparing for next week's trip to the worship Expo.
About to go to the Customer Solutions Team Meeting. (lucky me.)
Tore my palm and messed up my knee playing basketball with isaac.
One step at a time.
trying to behave myself....

Oh God, my shelter from my self
repair the hollow man
Thy grace no man can aptly tell
Nor see the promined land.

Parental Prayer of Exasperation
OK.
I'm a former youth minister. I write youth study books. I listen. I open myself up to him and yet it's like he can find no conection with me. God, what am I doing that's turning him off? It's like he doesn't even want to have anything to do with the things I believe.
Lord, help me connect with. Draw him to You, God.
I'm tired of the struggle. Am I giving him too much freedom? Am I too strict? Should I be the grounded one? I'm tired of the same no-results experimentation. I don't want him to like me. It would just be so very cool if he would respect me.

Excuse me while I beat myself up. I MUST GET GOING ON THIS BOOK!!!!!
AHHHHHH!~
I do believe in writers block.
I do believe in writers block!
I do!
I do!
I do!
Now....
What was I saying?

finshed art suggestions for the spring issue.
trying to stay focused on the left brain part of my job. I hate (notice the use of the word) hate number crunching, reciept collecting, meal itemizing, brain twisting, logic contorting, all-consuming expense reports!

jets eye view

From 10 thousand feet up
the vibrating jive of hot asphalt
metal and rubber
the organized chaos of fleas.
Unseen, ever irritating,
but alive
So very alive
and furiously they hunt dwarfish goals
with the vehemence of postmodern crusaders
hot on the trail of the lost ark
Mecca, Baghdad, Jerusalem and Nashville.
but chances are…
they are only looking for pizza and meaning

Another day of rat-racing, phone calls need to be returned. I have about six now.
Last night I baked an apple pie. Caleb sketched the vocations he plans to explore.
He draws:
Sky Divers
Scuba Divers
Fisherman
and spiderman
These are not dreams to him. They are realistic options. He stapled the drawings together with about 25 staples and fell asleep on the couch holding his newly crafted book to his chest.

the lost things
the vanquished "would-be's"
they are
(whether i wish them to be or not)
the closets of old surreal- hopes for...
wonders
(try to close your eyes, my love)
I AM there
the cold vibrance of night
warmed by the beating heart-
and the long comfortable gaze.
It tells me i am home
even when i am lost
i reach out and touch the lines upon your face
and wonder
wonder
wonder

This morning calms and feeds the soul.
This dawn restores the day.
Transfigured Christ my eyes pure goal.
And grace restores the way.
The past knows not my tender love
The teeming shores beyond
Aspiring flight of hopeful dove.
And God's resplendent song.

Back home. Today, brushed up on Let's Worship. I need idea writers. That's my greatest need in the stable.
Lord, I feel like a preschooler in life. Still learning. Lots of mysteries. I've been so burdened for my kids. I must trust you. I see my frailties when I look in their eyes. Give me the energy to be a parent, a husband and a writer. This is such a crazy time to be a parent.
(I need to buckle down and write this book that's due October 1.)
What's behind all this?
What are You trying to say to me?
Teach me to listen.
Slow the inner monologue that buzzes inside me.
As a depression survivor, I keep wondering when the malaise will come. Do I have the will to protect myself from the illness. Can I be a player or will I end up sidelined again.
It's a matter of total trust, realizing that I am in need of mercy.
This thorn binds me to reliance.

The time and place...
The moment of decision
What is your name?
father/mother
friend
I know you, I believe.
Please be...
Make the stories be true
Sacred blissful giver
I stike my foot upon the rock
and lift my bleeding heel
I stand
I wrestle
I deny
I cast the net
I drop it there and I chase you
I fear the waves
I step out
don't leave me hanging here.
I don't know if I have the tools for this.
I doubt smooth stones and somewhat distant victories.
If I'm wrong, I'm -- I don't know...
But I, laying it (everything) on the table
(or is it an altar?)
see a hand extended
Let's go.

Trying to just clear off my desk. I get busy, get emotionally involved, get frantic, get rushed, get overwhelmed, and I immediately get cluttered.
Over 75 emails this morning. Probably 12 really for me. the others... well people who think I want free cable, mail-in viagra and hair plugs.
Clutter , clutter, clutter...
Time to simplify. I'm looking at my calendar and there is nothing simple about my weekends.

So the name isn't original. It's from an e.e. cummings introduction to a collection of original poems. This blog is my attempt to model what I teach. Although the editorial synapses are on hightened alert, I'm going to try to make this a simple right brain exercise- if not for anyone, then for myself.
I'm in a state today. Burdened, tired, ill at ease, hopeful, wondering, waiting. I know you are reaching out, Jesus. But for reasons unclear, I'm feeling closed-in and defeated.
Today I see how one step leads to another and the big picture of 39 years of walking is overwhelming me today. But I will press forward.

Amazing joy
How sweet the smile
That whisked me from the night
As bitterness is shed
from mortal bed.
my soul, in death, takes flight,