matt tullos

the compost pile of writer, matt tullos. mostly poems, prayers, rants and naratives... "Gods passion for the world has compelled me to be a contributor in the warfare of grace rather than a spectator in the warfare of religion."

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Location: Alexandria, LA, United States

Sunday, December 28, 2003

goin' to louisiana

i enjoy being back in louisiana when i get there but oh the drive...

we leave tomorrow and we have so much to do to get ready. i'm struggling this week about isaac. it brings me to a familiar place-my knees. Lord, i pray that you'll reveal yourself to him. i rebuke those forces that cause him to deny you. Lord, i pray that somehow this weekend you'll open his eyes and his heart.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

the journey

a divine journey
sent into motion
by bookkeepers, tyrants, and officials
that bethlehem journey
the gravitational pull of perfect love
sent freely
to all
but it started with a decree
from a politician
and a town that had no room
for this baby named God.

Christmas Greeting

good night
broken world
orphans of africa
lonely woman on the streets
tonight
soldier in the sands of terror
beggar in the alley
good night
sweet shivering child
in forgotten village
brave widow serving still
good night
innocent new born babe
hopeful
huddling
masses
good night
tender beautiful bride
old warrior past his prime
terminal ward wanderer
He sees you
He knows you
He brings justice and mercy
grace and good news
good night.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

summary

not really feeling very christmasy today. mostly just tired. this year has been full of fears, grief, new challenges, and lots of carpooling. but Lord, Sweet Jesus, You have been so faithful to me even in time of my own doubt. i am reminded of this fact as I look at a Christmas card from the guy down the street who wrote me off around a month ago

seems he has come around and seems to desire a real connection with us.

life is hard
but when i trust and obey
life is very good.

today's truth to which i cling: i am a wretched sinner in the arms of a God of grace and unbelievable mercy.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

contemplating another blog transfer

after upsaid's server being down almost a week, i'm actually considering moving to another server. i've thought of all the negatives including the people who have bookmarked my blog and linked to it on their sites, but i keep coming back to the purpose of the blog which is to keep my journal up and moving and it's personally costly not to be online journaling.

today i have caleb at work which is always interesting and fun. he's playing a game on my powerbook as i type. Lord, help me to remember these times of joy and peace with him. i know their will be days when it'll be difficult to remember his joy and imagination.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

back online

i had to take a little sabbath from personal expression. everyone around here is kind of in a funk. tomorrow, we'll go to the Nancy's funeral.

i'm working on summer let's worship today and trying to develop some strategies for the coming year. i've had a good amount of time to reflect and pray these past few days. i sense change in my life but not sure where it will come.

jacob is headlong into his christmas play at the belcourt theatre . it runs through sunday. i'm going to be doing the youth at faith again.

Monday, December 15, 2003

a dangerous place

Lord Shepherd,
this miracle called life-
such a tender fragile thing
heart beating
lungs constantly in motion
this splendid jewel
how easily crushed and sent to flight
this mysterious existence
in the midst of utter chaos tonight
but i hold onto the hem of your coat
like a child in the dark
the thought of it
the savage crumpling of steel
the fire
sudden quick
no superman
no magic formula
life
ripped away-
this quick and fearful villain- death
you are not my friend


safe passage, dear sister-
in the arms of angelic guides
toward the One who answers
unspeakable riddles
and comforts the tears
of her dear children.
Abba Father,
unbent by my hot disbelief,
grant her children rest.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

the loss of a friend

nancy ray, our financial analyst in the department was killed in a rush hour accident. the whole floor is in shock and disbelief. nancy was a joy to be around. she had an unusual aptitude for looking past my weak organizational skills to get through needed product ideas and improvements. (it's strange to be typing all of this down. it makes it so real at a time when everything seems so unbelievable.)

she was one of the last people i saw on friday before i left to entertain at a christmas party for the "money guys" at lifeway. nancy patiently preped me with names and assignments of the different folks who were going to be there.

she died this morning when she was rear-ended by a semi and into another semi. this cause a fire and she along with at least three others died there.

Below is Terri Lackey's story released through the internal news:

Fifteen-year employee Nancy Ray, 43, died this morning on the way to work in an accident involving her pickup truck and two tractor trailers.
Two others also died in the accident on I-24 north, shutting down the interstate in both directions, according to reports on Channel 4 News’ Web site. “The accident happened about 7:30 a.m. near the junction with I-65 when one tractor trailer apparently rear-ended the pickup truck, pushing it into the second big rig,” the Web site said.


Nancy is survived by her husband, Tim, and two children, a daughter, Tia, 23, and son, Keely, 15.

“Nancy Ray was a cherished employee of LifeWay,” said President Jimmy Draper. “Her vibrant personality and optimistic spirit was a blessing to all who knew her and especially to those who worked with her. The tragic accident that took her life has left us all in disbelief and grief.”


Draper asked LifeWay to join him in prayer for Nancy’s family as they cope with their loss. “We take comfort in knowing of her faith in our Lord Jesus Christ and know that the Lord will provide for Tim and all the family in these days of sorrow.”
Nancy was an “incredible person of integrity,” said Selma Wilson, director of organization performance for church resources. “She was a wonderful mother and a great wife. She scheduled Friday evenings with her son and called her parents every Saturday. Her family was extremely tight-knit, which should help during this difficult time.”


Nancy worked for the discipleship area from 1984-88 when she quit to get her degree in general business from Austin Peay State University, Clarksville, Tenn. She was hired back at LifeWay in 1992 in the discipleship area. Since 2001, she had worked as a performance analyst in ministry/business performance, assigned to leadership and adult publishing.

just 12

Just twelve years old
in the temple
asking questions
amazing the rabbis
just twelve years old
did you ask those men
about Noah
when You had called the animals aboard
did You ask them about Elijah
when You drove down in a blaze of glory
to carry the holy man away.
did You ask them about the furnace
blazing fiery oven
where You spent the good part of a night and a day
did You ask them about that shuttle-fish
meant for a run-away man of the Lord.
just twelve years old.
what were You asking those men?
and would they remember You
some twenty one years later
when those hands that questioned them
would be pierced at their demand
their final answer
to the Master
who once was twelve years old in the temple.

Friday, December 12, 2003

today's ground

it was full and the roads burning as i drove to schools, to work and then to the country club of franklin for a drama presentation for 6 financial folks and their wives from lifeway

it's always a little awkward for darlene and me- doing our thing for small gatherings of vips. but we managed and i think it turned out well.

stuff we did:

"who's the exec"
"Reasons why"
"mary pondered"
"play by play"
and my new poem "away"

regret observed

(inspired by the grief of a dear friend)

watery silver
gleaming in the desert
like a dream
running through perilous landscape
alien to touch and taste
departing graceful arabesque
like a glass darkly
soon face to face
our hands touching
that series of conversations
swept away like the grains of captured sand
functioning in forced purpose
i see it now as a short passage into never
something so powerful and majestic
sister of silence
we knew it was over
somehow we knew
this conversation
this walk
the fork in the road
misunderstanding
a betrayal never spoken
but realized
grieved
eulogized
and returned
unopened letter discarded
yet still it glistens
every morning across the horizon
God bless the roads that seperate us
keep us
amen

Thursday, December 11, 2003

wednesday night report

i met for the first time with the students at faith. i didn't feel as old as i thought i would. we played a few get-acquainted games and i gave them the opportunity to discuss their journey using the following questions

When have you experienced a spiritual mountain?
When have you experienced a spiritual valley?
What is life teaching you right now?
What doesn’t make sense in your life?

We played "killer" and "patterns"

We read from Isaiah 6 and Isaiah 45.

Lord i lift up these students to you. i'm reminded how difficult life is for students. i pray that you'll open opportunities to connect on a progressively deeper level. i pray for direction ver the next few weeks as i help this new church.

Praying as i stand

your face is before me
i am beyond the wish-away moments
and i stand though weakened
by those things that run from truth
i stand, arms open, see me now.
yes, you described me weary
burdened
thirsty
but mostly tired
meaning
empty but open
sweet Savior
my present help
wash me with the grace
of which you speak, and live and love.
my arms (like a trusting child:
little to give,
much to learn)
are raised and waiting

proposal to B&H

Today I finished my proposal for Matt Stuart on a Drama Handbook. I emailed it to him and will sit on the idea until i hear back. Darlene, Isaac and I met at Daystar. I think we're going in the right direction even though no fruit is really apparent right now. isaac is going through a real searching time and i have to trust that to Jesus. I bought him an "verbs" CD at LifeWay. i hope he likes it. it certainly sounds like the kind of music he likes. Lord grant me patience and stubborn love during these difficult days.

i'm a little nervous about doing a Christmas party for the financial managers tomorrow. ok Lord.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

just love technology

recording on my motu using my personal mac but my version of audio desk can only run on OS9 but i can't seem to stuffit to my 80 GB drive without switching to OSX . Soooo
I stuffit on ten switch back to 9 and then transfer it to the independant drive and then shuffle it over to my work mac and then put it on the network.

Life is good.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

faith baptist and tomorrow's travels faith baptist and tomorrow's travels

I have two meetings scheduled on top of one another tomorrow. darn! i guess i'll miss a little of both of them.can you feel my pain? Isaac has been running a fever, feeling generally terrible and so today i don't have to drive to school to pick him up tonight.

I'm helping faith baptist with their students for the next three wednesday nights. i'm both nervous and excited. i haven't done youth ministry in quite some time. but it will give me some focus for a while. we visited this new church start last sunday and we really felt at home. i'm feeling very optimistic about the future there.

tomorrow as mentioned, several meetings along with driving to carolyn's house with john to deliver some get-well food. judi, g.b., chris, beth and i will be eating lunch at scarrit tomorrow as well. so lots of meetings and very little editorial time.



Posted by Tullos at 2:43 pm
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whispers

i'm in my bed
eyes open as i try to rock my brain to slumber
c.s. pops out of the wardrobe smoking a pipe
"don't worry lad
pain is God's megaphone"
t.s. crawls out from under the bed.
"all meaningful relationships end in pain."
"that's a really cheerful thought, mr. elliott."
i said respectfully.
dylan opens my bedroom window
obviously returning from the pub.
breath reeking of rum.
"gently
do not go
gently" he slurred.
good night! i said.
and he meekly closed the window
but he continued to stare in pity.
nosed pressed against the glass.
t.s. and c.s. ogled
as if i had invited them
into some cerebral slumber party
suddenly a dark figure appeared
towering over the moonlight
"chesterton..." i whispered
chesterton stood like a giant, finishing a hotdog.
he swallowed and said,
as brushed the crumbs from his gigantic coat,
"Indeed that is why the saint is often a martyr;
he is mistaken for a poison because he is an antidote."
what am i supposed to say?
c.s. loves a good fight
and chesterton could write in his sleep and probably did.
t.s. could think his way out of quicksand
dylan is passed out in the front of my house.
alarm
5:15 am
time to shower.
another day

Monday, December 08, 2003

Away

away
but so near to the outcast.
near to the blood of the innocents
near to life, a dangerous mystery
no crib for a bed
1st century squalor of animals
away
alone
no turning back
the little Lord Jesus
God meshed in skin
helpless master infant
laid down his sweet head
the brow of thorns
smitten by bandits
spit upon
mocked
yet eyes still fixed on His love.
the stars in the sky
each fixed in place
bold, mighty, universe
the author: this infant
full of wonder
as angels and Abba
proudly, sadly
looked down where he lay
away
relentlessly committed
away
vacating the thrones and crowns of glory
away
the glory of his love
away
humble
master
creator
away
matchless mysterious
ruler

away

Away

away
but so near to the outcast.
near to the blood of the innocents
near to life, a dangerous mystery
no crib for a bed
1st century squalor of animals
away
alone
no turning back
the little Lord Jesus
God meshed in skin
helpless master infant
laid down his sweet head
the brow of thorns
smitten by bandits
spit upon
mocked
yet eyes still fixed on His love.
the stars in the sky
each fixed in place
bold, mighty, universe
the author: this infant
full of wonder
as angels and Abba
proudly, sadly
looked down where he lay
away
relentlessly committed
away
vacating the thrones and crowns of glory
away
the glory of his love
away
humble
master
creator
away
matchless mysterious
ruler

away

Saturday, December 06, 2003

awesome quote from Phillip Brooks

"Only when a man tries to live the divine life can the divine Christ manifest Himself to him. Therefore, the true way for you to find Christ is not to go groping in a thousand books. It is not for you to try evidences about a thousand things that people have believed of Him, but it is for you to undertake so great a life, so devoted a life, so pure a life, so serviceable a life, that you cannot do it except by Christ, and then see whether Christ helps you. See then whether there comes to you the certainty that you are a child of God, and the manifestation of the child of God becomes the most credible, the most certain thing to you in all of history."

Phillip Brooks

11 year old earthquakes

we had six 11 year old kids in the house last night. Watched Pirates of the C. and then played hide-and-go-seek upstairs. How that is done is one of the classic mysteries of boys. I dare not look at closely at the walls for fear of gashes and dents. They ended the night at about 2 AM. Are we super parents or just plain nuts? Today we retooled. So much self analyzation in parenting.

Really enjoying "soul survivor" Philip Yancey. He is brutally honest about his past prejudices. Finished the MLK chapter last night during the kids romp.

Friday, December 05, 2003

things I'd ask a church

is the apostles creed the only thing you'll make me sign?
do you break bread and pass the cup without the formulaic, once-a-quarter, get-it-over-with attitude?
do you woo the homeless woman and the broken addict more than you woo me?
is gossip, judgmentalism, and apathy right up there with adultery?
are you willing to hold my toes to the fire when i start speaking a line of crap?
do you dream big about small things and look for hope rather than blame?
do you not end every service by making me hold hands and singing a sappy, unbiblical jingle?
are you over the bait and switch invitation phase?
do you believe the holy Scripture more than you believe the talk-show party lines?
are you willing to fight for life as a holy thing?
do you laugh hysterically and cry unabashedly inside those walls?
can you disagree with me without turning it into an emotional event?
do you break out in hives when someone says "business meeting?"
will you let my kids be kids and not little men?
did you burn the hoops you used to jump through?
are you on a pilgrimage the cross?

Thursday, December 04, 2003

destination

where the waves, blue and inviting
fall on white sand and perfect starfish.
a place where life whispers like a lover
and all mornings are the same
in the promised land called hope

selah

turn the key

familiar voices
one nefarious tone
accusation
and darkness swallows you like Jonah
three days are like 300
and hope is midnight dawn
birthed only in dreams
distant and illusive
in the nevermore
land called despair

selah

Do i have to do tomorrow?

do i have to run quickly to and fro?
do i have to get up tomorrow and go?
i'd rather throw the bed sheets over my head
or visit the zoo with caleb instead
i'd hand my to-do's to a wart-covered toad
and chat with will cambell just down the road.
i'd rather run in the fields of my youth
i'd rather be 20, to tell you the truth
i rather sneak off with a tall stack of books
and give the librarian puzzling looks
i rather discuss life over cups of hot tea
with someone as melancholy as me.
i rather run barefoot in grant parish today
but i don't have gas money so guess that i'll stay.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

philip yancey:soul survivor

i can really relate to Philip's stuggle- "Sometimes i feel like the most liberal person among conservatives, and sometimes the most conservative among liberals." from "soul survivor" I am a true right -to-lifer- against abortion, euthanasia, and captital punishment. i believe everything in the apostles creed. i am a creationist to the letter. i believe in the inerrancy of scripture and i sometime wonder if those politically religiously conservatives really believe what the Bible says-- because Jesus is a much less corporate and an overwhelmingly more radical figure than many inerrantists will claim He is. i often wonder if He would ever set foot in some of our religious meetings. i wonder what a religious convention would look like after He left.

chesterton on poetry chesterton on poetry

"Poetry is sane because it floats easily in an infinite sea; reason seeks to cross the infinite sea, and so make it finite. The result is mental exhaustion . . . . To accept everything is an exercise, to understand everything a strain. Poets only desire exaltation and expansion, a world to stretch themselves in. Poets only ask to get their heads into the heavens. It is the logicians who seek to get the heavens into their head. And it is their heads that split."

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

plans...

heard this quote a minute ago. source unknown....


"Do you want to see God laugh? Tell him your plans!"

thought

you will be consumed by what you consume.

back from the vatican....

Good day of writing. Working on a creative arts handbook prop. that will surely bury me for months if the proposal is accepted. all my neighbors were in training so the seventh floor was quite vacant and I enjoyed the solitude. Listened to a little Terry Taylor, CSNY, and N.Young and thought about my high school years as I worked on editing LW. i can not believe they call me an editor. it's like calling mr. rodgers a middle linebacker. i'm no good but the checks keep coming on a routine basis which makes the mrs. happy.

tomorrow i have to my shtick @ the sbc building. i'm not sure what i'll do. probably "dedication" and "lost coin"

i've got to go to bed. couldn't get to sleep last night. strange thoughts and anxieties about everything and nothing. my two pet obsessions. even so Lord, come quickly....

Monday, December 01, 2003

december 1st posts

Quote from Basil the Great

"Every art is God's gift to us, making up for what is lacking in nature.
posted by Tullos at 12:03 pm



Stanley Hauerwas: Interesting point


Hauerwas was debating a medical researcher who was defending experiments on fetal tissue. "What if it were discovered that fetal tissue were a delicacy?" Hauerwas asked with his trademark Texas twang. "Could you eat it?"
Posted by Tullos at 11:11 am


what i'm reading....
Brian McLaren more than you realize
Dallas Willard the divine conspiracy
Posted by Tullos at 10:55 am


how i spent my thanksgiving vacation
music: Daniel Amos, George Winston: December, BNL, Dave Matthews: Busted Stuff
Movie: Remains of the Day,
This is probably one of my most watched movies. I love the performances of emma thompson and anthony hopkins. It's one of the most haunting movies I've ever seen and it draws me in I think, because it deals with familiar struggles such as the balance between passion and order/ restaint and expression. Hopkins is unmatched as a listener on screen. the metaphors are abundant. this film reminds me to serve faithfully and observe the master. test authority and don't simply become overwhelmed by the mundane (polishing the flatware) and miss the larger arena in which we live.

The music is absolutely incredible.

more later. i must work.
Posted by Tullos at 10:02 am

yawp

we
stand and celebrate the wild grace
that roams above this hallowed sod like a proud lion
our feet under the blood of the great cloud
the clash of sword
goliath's fall
hilarious
victorious
ironic
eclectic
subterranean
unbridled
yawp!