matt tullos

the compost pile of writer, matt tullos. mostly poems, prayers, rants and naratives... "Gods passion for the world has compelled me to be a contributor in the warfare of grace rather than a spectator in the warfare of religion."

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Location: Alexandria, LA, United States

Monday, September 27, 2004

Bernie’s Beef: An open letter to Deacon Magazine

This is what I wrote for Deacon Magazine


I picked up Deacon Magazine last week in the nursery the other day. I was lookin’ for one of those wet wipes after I dropped a Bavarian cream filled eclair on my tie in the foyer while the pastor was preachin’. But that’s beside the point. After taking a gander into your magazine it all the sudden occurred to me why I have such a difficult time relating to the deacons at our church. They are doing what you are suggesting and things are just not the same around here! There just ain’t the usual intensity conducive to church spits and spats. It used to be that business meetings went on longer than our worship services. And our business meetings were the main reason I joined the church. What am I supposed to do for entertainment now? We don’t have any petitions circulating crying for a hostile takeover. Now I’m gonna have to watch professional wrestling to hear the kind of speeches I heard when I was growing up as a kid.

The deacons that we got bamboozled into electing are now asking everybody to get involved. And they aren’t just talking about the eating events. They want us to do stuff and to be evangelistic. I’m sorry but if God wanted me to witness, He would have made me a preacher. My spiritual calling is to make sure everybody knows when the Cowboys game starts. Especially on Sundays when it’s 11:55 and the preacher is on point number two of his sermon. Why, if it weren’t for my overly exaggerated stretch and locking my eyes on my wristwatch he’d probably preach until the Methodists finished their fruit cups at Lubys.

I don’t know what all you people over there in Nashville are planning for the coming issues but here are a few of my suggestions. I won’t even charge you for these titles. I’m sure you’ll agree will save you a lot of time trying to do issue planning.

"Relaxation Techniques during the Sermons or During the Special Music" Especially if the soloist is singing that Via Delarosa song.

"12 Ways to Promote Belligerence in Committee Meetings"

"Surefire Excuses for a Nominating Committee Phone Call"

"Creating a Diversion for Early Exits"

"Cautionary Tales and Preacher Scandals Uncensored"

" How to Slow the growth of a Congregation"

I know what you are thinkin’. Why is this non-deacon giving us suggestions? Well, sometimes you need to take a step back and find someone on the outside for some new ideas.

Hope this helps,

Bernie

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