matt tullos

the compost pile of writer, matt tullos. mostly poems, prayers, rants and naratives... "Gods passion for the world has compelled me to be a contributor in the warfare of grace rather than a spectator in the warfare of religion."

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Location: Alexandria, LA, United States

Friday, August 13, 2004

guilt, rewrites, and self-assessment gone awry

tonight i took a script that I wrote that about two years ago, published, mildly humorous and in a nice little ironic ending. It was called, “It gets all over me.” I rewrote it this morning and turned it into something I’m really excited about. Nothing major but it worked. the crowd loved it and it went perfectly with the keynote speakers message. totally unplanned. I love holy accidents.

as i write this i am saying to myself- you sound cocky. but really i can’t receive the glory. I sat on that mediocre script borne from a great idea. i sent it away to print and i never went back to kick it up a notch to make it better. nothing to brag about in that.

i saw joel, the worship leader from Riverside and he was very apologetic about never thanking me for the writing i did on the Christmas presentation he asked me to write. i smiled because we are so much alike. i forget the nicities that other more centered people remember.

Life continues to run ahead of me. I am just a few days away from my journey to Greece. (my first trip across the pond) I feel somewhat ambivilent about it and therefore guilty. people ask me about how excited i am. excited is something right now that i do my best to manufacture. i feel really guilty about that because if i say i’m not excited, then i am a snobbish ungrateful little person. I would sound like Mr. Howell on Gilligan’s Island with that pile of money in a footlocker. Ungrateful little person!

Here’s the deal. I’m too worried about Darlene and her first week on the job being the week that I’m gone. I’m going to feel guilty about that... the time away from home. I feel guilty that i have this ticket and that there is so much work to do on Let’s Worship. I feel guilty that I feel guilty about this really good, free, yes... FREE trip to Greece.

Do you see a nasty pattern? Everywhere i turn, the accuser is working overtime- guilt here, guilt there.

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