matt tullos

this blog is moving

2004-11-25T20:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, I hate to do it again but this time I feel like I've found the blog home of my dreams.

Here's the address:

my new blog address

I haven't finished adding links to other blogs and I have just started adding files and pages in the various areas of the site. But I'd love to get feedback.

very good thanksgiving

2004-11-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

today we stayed home and had lunch at Craker Barrell. I know... Sounds very non-traditional, I know. But we got six meals, desserts, beverages- the whole thing for 41 bucks. We couldn't buy the ingredients for that much and we walked away from the messy table and let them do the dishes. They didn't seem to mind.

a great day of rest and a time to be thankful without dishpan hands.

Will Trade Beer for Jesus

2004-11-24T18:18:00.000-05:00

Sign of the times?

ADELAIDE, Australia (AP) — An Australian brewing company is offering six cases of beer to anyone who returns a statue of the baby Jesus stolen from a nativity scene last week. The South Australian Brewing Company (search) offered the reward after thieves swiped the statue from the company's traditional nativity display earlier this week. Managing Director Mark Powell said security footage showed a man scaling a fence and lifting the baby Jesus from his manger. "We are very concerned about the well-being of baby Jesus and we are calling for his swift and safe return," Powell said. A reward of six cases of beer will be given to anyone who returns the statue, he said. "That said, you would have thought that the incentive of a guaranteed exit through the right door after purgatory would be enough of an incentive in itself," Powell said.

considering the complexity of descent

2004-11-24T15:07:00.000-05:00

crest and height
stand and bow
now tempest tossed
contains me now
the blood drenched cross
the burden borne
the weeping mother
broken, torn
thanks and mercy
spark and flight
rescue me from
the desperate night.

definitey a cool day

2004-11-24T14:39:00.000-05:00

Today I got up late because i didn't have to do the carpool. drove in for a leisurely day of work. I'm getting lots done today because the phone is silent and most everyone has left. I practiced the Christmas Chapel scene with Brian and Riesha. Actually looking forward to it a little despite the initial reservations. working on let's worship and other things.

to whom it may concern...

2004-11-23T17:13:00.000-05:00

I've had a few emails from people who happen to read my blog and have noticed that I've been much less verbose (which could be a good thing:-) on my blog. (It's been weird hearing from these friends that I didn't know were reading my blog... totally surprised me.) Yes I am and I do have some reasons-- the main thing has been the amount of energy i am expending learning lots of new functions. Not much time to be philosophical and creative... Secondarily, I am also working on a new blog site. Release should be sometime in the next couple of weeks but I'll post the address on blogspot once it is done. I've been very conflicted about another change- my reputation as a blogger vagabond is growing. One of the things that I've had to reevaluate is why I blog. Is it for my audience or for God or for me? I've come to the conclusion that the blog is basically for God and He doesn't need to bookmark the page. I've been a victim of "blog envy" in the past where I see tons of hits and comments on others' blogs. But ultimately I had to find a tool that best tells my story as it intersects with His.

Anyway, I'll get back to blogging tonight.

an important day...

2004-11-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

at work. David Francis, Gary, Bill C, John Mc, and Chris attended. I received lots of great affirmation on the Life Source DVD. I still have work to do but we are very much on the way.

My real editing hours were:

Thursday 1-5
Friday 9-4
Saturday 9-6
Monday 10-9
Tuesday 8am- 2am

I still have some sound issues to smooth out.

I left LifeWay early and got a peaceful nap from 2:30-4:30, (That information is for Mom.)

back at it...

2004-11-15T14:28:00.000-05:00

Actually got our first realtor call on the house to see if it can show. Lord, it's in your hands.

Today We took Isaac and Caleb to school. Called the towing service to take away Darlene's car. And then Darlene drove me to work. We had a meeting for around 2 hours with the EICs and so I have not yet begun to edit the video.

(overwhelmed)

a good sunday

2004-11-15T00:21:00.000-05:00

spiritually that is...

Preached on heaven in the morning and then continued the Life Swap series at night. I am so refreshed when I go there. I don't feel the the slightest fatigue. Got home to find out that Darlene's clutch is out. But hey, my car is still working:-) I believe God is really stripping me of all self sufficiency. I feel like I'm learning the lesson slowly that I must depend on Jesus alone, not savings or wealth or anything. Lord, I am resolved to let this lesson go down deep no matter what happens to us I will continue the press forward on eternal things.

now bad news

2004-11-12T21:49:00.000-05:00

today we learned that Isaac's car needs a new gasket or new head or both. OK, i don't know what the heck i'm talking about but bottom line we'll end up paying more for the repair than we did for the car- but at this point i think we've are half way across the ocean. this is the point of no return.

Rejoice always.

anyway, today I worked on the video presentations, the Christmas presentation for lifeway (why did I agree??) and a number of other things. I feel scrambled tonight- all the wierd circumstances... But I'll survive. Tomorrow I need to go by the hospital to visit Matt J. He returned to St. Thomas hosptial with an infection on the scar from the surgery.

Lord give me St. Paul's attitude:

Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty.

(Phil.4:11-12 The Message Bible)

Back in the office

2004-11-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

somewhat good news on Isaac's car. It may just be the intake valve (whatever that is) It's less expensive than the head gaskets. I really like these guys at ultimate tire. They seem to be very, very fair.

Once again, Lord I am so thankful for your work in Isaac's life. He is a changed person. Thanks for friends that stand in the gap for me (a weak-in-the-knees daddy). You were right. This work is something that you will do and it is for me to witness. I am St. Thomas now falling to my knees after touching Your side crying out, "My Lord and My God!"

Final Reading for the Experiencing God Project

2004-11-10T17:45:00.000-05:00

So glad to finish this. Thanks Lord for the act of completion.

Reader 1: Do you trust His word?

Reader 2: So is my word that goes out from my mouth:

Reader 3: It will not return to me empty,

Reader 1: but will accomplish what I desire

Reader 3: and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11 NIV)

Reader 1: Do you want to know Him?

Congregation: My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferingsbeing conformed to His death. (Philippians 3:10 HCSB)

Reader 1: Do you seek him?

Reader 2: I have asked one thing from the LORD;

Congregation: it is what I desire.

Reader 2: to dwell in the house of the LORD

Reader 3: all the days of my life gazing on the beauty of the LORD and seeking Him in His temple. (Psalm 27:4 HCSB)

Reader 1: Do you follow him?

Reader 2: The next day John was back at his post with two disciples, who were watching. He looked up, saw Jesus walking nearby, and said,

Reader 3: "Here he is, God's Passover Lamb."

Reader 2: The two disciples heard him and went after Jesus.

Reader 3: Jesus looked over his shoulder and said to them,

Reader 1: "What are you after?”

Reader 2: They said, "Rabbi…where are you staying?"

Reader 1: He replied, "Come along and see for yourself." (John 1:35 MSG)

Reader 3: Will you experience Him?

Reader 2: Summoning the crowd along with His disciples, He said to them,

Congregation: "If anyone wants to be My follower, he must deny himself take up his cross and follow Me. (Mark 8:34 HCSB)

Reader 1: Do you love him?

Reader 3: "If you love Me, you will keep. If you love Me, keep My commandments.(John 14:15)

Reader 1: Will you be faithful?

Congregation: He is at work.

Reader 2: He’s calling you to join Him.

Reader 3: To know Him,

Reader 2: To experience the incredible glory contained in His name.

Reader 1: Will you come with us?

Reader 2: Will these 40 days change the course of your life?

Reader 3: Or will these days simple be remembered vaguely?

Reader 1: This is your decision.

Reader 2: This is your time.

Congregation: Both the Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" (Rev. 22:17 HCSB)

two voices on joy

2004-11-10T12:23:00.000-05:00

Joy is prayer - Joy is strength - Joy is love - Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

Mother Teresa

God give me style and give me grace
God put a smile upon my face

Coldplay

Prayers of the Unchanged

2004-11-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

So here's the next one. One more and I'm done. Yippee!

#1: Lord, OK, OK. I acknowledge that You’ve called me to join you and I’m all for it. I mean, I’ve been waiting and praying for your will. And I’ve been on the same page up to this point but I just have one little favor to ask. Please don’t

#2: -ask me to give up my Sunday School class. It’s really my only me time and you know how much I’ve grown under Frank’s teaching so if you’d just allow me to-

#3: -keep my job. I’ll reach another important pay grade level in three years. Don’t you think it would be wiser to just keep me financially secure? I’ve got college tuition to pay in a few years, the car is getting older, and I have 12 years left on the mortgage. And I need more

#1: -rest. I’m always tired. Do you think I can fit everything else in my routine if I continue to coach soccer, keep my Grizzly season tickets, volunteer at the art museum, serve as treasurer of the PTA, work out 5 days a week. And don’t forget-

#2: I’m a leader. Please don’t ask me to do something so radical that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I’m a multidimensional person and I’m afraid I’ll be so different that everyone at work won’t go to lunch with me anymore. I don’t want to have to

#3: explain this to my wife/husband. Things are on shaky ground in the first place. This is going to take a lot of trust and some major miracles. Besides my life is already so complicated and I know relationships are

#1: important aren’t they?

#2: I could really lose friends and

#3: shock people. I’ve been in this town for 8 years. I guess what I don’t want to do is

#1: well

#2: actually

#3: really

#1: If you must know.

#2: I don’t really want

All: Change

#1: So that’s basically my only request.

#3: Do whatever You want to do with me. Just remember

#1: that one tiny caveat because

#2: I want to experience You but

#3: in a more conventional way.

#1: like a short-term mission project

#2: or a new Bible study

#3: or a really cool new mentor

#1: but please

#2: help me

#3: keep everything the way it is

All: right now.

and it got worse....

2004-11-10T10:41:00.000-05:00

from a new radiator to major engine repair- probably a head gasket.

this afternoon...

2004-11-10T10:08:00.000-05:00

i will be exiled to a remote location with 20 other people to learn InCopy software. i have other things that i'd rather do, but an editor's gotta do what an editors gotta do.

verdict on Isaac's car: needs new raditor.

House: We've had a couple of nibbles on the hook but no one through the door yet.

God is big enough to see everything

2004-11-09T19:18:00.000-05:00

This is the truth that keeps blowing my mind. It's so simple. I've known it before I walked. Our God sees it all. He sees all angles, all clumsy attempts at beauty, he reads every little thing I write. He knows it all. He is so everywhere that just thinking about gives me a sense of security and strong overwhelming, yaup compelling, vibrance. Fear? Yes (and no) Mostly an awestruck selah of clear true reality.

It makes me a better person.

No shades can be pulled.

No sunglassses in the drugstore

No disguises work- He's aware of all my tricks and masks.

It make me a God lover til the rattling in my lungs becomes the advent of eternity future.

God Speaks to Use (Experiencing God Reality 4)

2004-11-09T19:06:00.000-05:00

In this moment of worship

Speak Lord, your servant is listening.

Through Your Word: a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path.

Speak Lord, your servant in listening.

Your word is complete and it pulls our lives together.

Speak Lord. Your servant is listening

Mere bread can’t sustain us for long. We need your Holy Word.

Speak Lord, Your Servant is Listening.

The Lord announced the word, and great was the company of those who proclaimed it. (Psalm 68:11NIV)

Speak Lord You Servant is listening.

You speak to us prayer

Speak Lord. Your servant is Listening

Knowing well that when our hearts cry out to you we are changed.

Speak Lord. Your servant is Listening

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Speak Lord, Your servant is listening.

You speak to us in along the journey. So in the good times and in the bad-

Speak Lord, Your servant in listening.

When we are desparately seeking you. Our hearts are broken for our unbelief, for our wickedness as a people, for the land we dwell and the lost too many to count, we cry out-

Speak Lord, Your servant is Listening.

As a church, we confess that you are God. You have placed us together to accomplish a God-sized task and without your voice we are lost.

Speak Lord, Your servant is listening.

Amen.

blow by blow...

2004-11-09T18:32:00.000-05:00

Back at the office after a little running around. Celebrated GB's birthday today and went to lunch with him, Chris, and Judi. Great time to laugh and decompress for a moment. Then back to the writing. I am feeling especially productive right now. I'm probably going to work on one more Experiencing God sketch and then begin working in Final Cut Pro.

God Invites You to Become a Part of His Work

2004-11-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

#1: God calls each of us to join Him

#2: To do his work.

Both: But we aren’t the first to hear His voice.

________________________________________________

#1: Honey, I have some news for you. God said he wants us to go.

#2: Go where?

#1: I don’t know

How far?

#1: Not really sure on that either.

#2: Who said this?

#1: God

#2: Why?

#1: Because He is the Lord.

#2: When?

#1: As soon as possible.

#2: Leave Ur.

#1: Urrrrryeah.

Both: God calls us to the adventure of the Divine.

#1: So what are you and Noah doing over there? I noticed that the kids have come home to visit.

#2: Yes, It is uh… wonderful.

#1: How long are they going to stay?

#2: Probably no more than one hundred years.

#1: Wow! Talk about extended family time. What kind of project are you working on? A new deck? A fence?

#2: Actually it’s a boat.

#1: What?

#2: A boat.

#1: What’s a boat?

#2: It’s something that we can use when it starts to rain.

#1: Rain? What’s Rain?

#2: It’s water coming down from the sky.

#1: Really? So who’s idea was this. Noah’s?

#2: No. It was God’s.

___________________________________________

Voice of God: Jonah!

#2: The voice seemed to come out of nowhere!

#1: Who's that? Sounds like-

Voice of God: God. I have a job for you.

#1: You do? Great. I'd be honored! A job to do for God! I'll be right up there with Abraham, Isaac, and King David. Maybe He's going to give me a special rod, or a sling. This is great! I need to go tell my friends about this one they'll never believe it! A job from-

Voice of God: Jonah-

#1: Yes Lord?

Voice of God: Don't you want to know what the job is?

#1: Oh. I almost forgot. I sure do. I'll do it. Whatever it is, you've got the right man!

Voice of God: I need you to take a trip.

#1: A trip! I love trips! Hopping on a camel into the wild blue yonder! Sleeping under the stars! Climbing mountains! Cruises on sail boats! I'm on my way, Lord.

Voice: Jonah! Don't you want to know where I need you to go?

#1: Oh yeah, Lord. Minor detail.

Voice of God: I need you to go to Nineveh!

#1: Nineveh! A free trip to Nineveh! Wow! (Realizing what God has said.) Wait. Hold on, Lord. Did you say Nineveh?

Voice of God: Nineveh.

#1: Nineveh?

Voice of God: Nineveh, Jonah!

#1: But Lord. Why do you want me to go there? Those people despise you! They kill prophets! They do things! Terrible things. Lord, you should hear the stories about Nineveh. They're bad! Really bad people. They don't obey you words. They're rude. Believe me Lord I really should go to-

Voice of God: I want you to go to Nineveh. I know what they do and I still want you to go.

#1: Why, Lord.

Voice of God: Because they need to repent.

#1: You've got that right.

Voice of God: And I love them.

#1: You love them! How could you love them? These people are bad. Really bad. They-

Voice of God: You're repeating yourself.

#1: Oh... Right.

Voice of God: Now go to Nineveh and bring my message to the people.

#1: But-

Voice of God: Are you my servant?

#1: Yes, but-

Voice of God: Then go to Nineveh.

___________________________________________

#1: What are you doing with that water pots?

#2: We’ve already used them.

#1: I have to fill them up with water.

#2: Fill’em up with water. That isn’t logical. Hands have already been washed! We’ve got bigger problems. We’re almost out of wine and this is day two of a five-day feast.

#1: I know.

#2: Who’s going to want to drink water from a bath pot.

#1: I’m just following orders.

#2: From whom?

#1: Well… Jesus.

______________________________________

#2: And God continues to use ordinary people to do His extraordinary work.

#1: He uses shepherds,

#2: Servants,

#1: Teachers,

#2: Carpenters,

#1: People who have it all together and people who seemingly don’t have anything together.

#2: Kings and beggars

#1: Children and Elders

#2: Pastors

#1: And Parents,

#2: He is calling us to experience Him

Both: And do what he is calling us to do.

#2: The wondrous mystery of it all.

#1: God’s plan for the message and the mission rests on the shoulders and on the tongue of flesh-and-blood people.

#2: Not angels,

#1: Or cherubs,

#2: Or stone tablets.

#1: He chose us.

#2: There is no other plan.

The Sound of Grace: God Pursues a Relationship With Us That is Real and Personal

2004-11-09T11:39:00.000-05:00

Again and again I heard the sound of grace. It was a sound that shook my life out of the darkness.

I had many lovers throughout my life. People would talk about me. I was the punch-line of every joke and fireside conversation. Some men wanted me to die and others wanted me for all the wrong reasons. The legal authorities pulled me out of my lover’s bed into the light of early morning. I tried to resist but of course I knew it was futile. This was the day I had dreaded ever since my parents disowned me when I turned 17. But I never dreamed that this humiliation would cut so deep. I knew where they were leading me. I couldn’t look at them. I closed my eyes unable to bear the humiliation as they brought me to my ultimate judge. The officials brought me to Him. They stated their case.

(As Pharisees) You know the charges; you know what the law is. We demand that it be followed! What do YOU say?

I hid my face in shame. I couldn’t look up to see his face. Silence. Silence that seemed to last for an eternity.

(As Pharisees) Speak! What is your verdict?

No reply. Then I could hear the mumbling of the citizens. I could hear familiar voices, sarcastically mocking me under their breath. I could hear the voices of former lovers. I could hear the voices of the jury of my peers. Why is this judge so silent? I looked up. My eyes fixed on Him. Then suddenly I felt the power of his holiness and trembled. But this was not the face of a judge. This wasn’t the face of a rich religious leader.

He said the words that echo through the ages. “Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.”

I braced myself for the force of a violent death. But my eyes remained on this man. Then came the sound I still hear today- the sound of grace. It was the sound of falling stones as one by one the prosecutors exited silent and shamed.

He pursued me with a love I had never felt or seen before. He smiled and said, Where are the ones that have judged you?

This wasn’t the love of a man. I’d seen too much of that kind of love. This was the love of a God who saw me as I was and loved me still. He covered me with his love. And I didn’t quite understand it at the time. But later on Golgotha I saw that he was willing to give everything to bring me into his family.

The challenge today...

2004-11-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

To write 7 readings on the seven realities of experiencing God in 7 hours. This will definitely be a God thing if I do even half of them. But I do have the first one done.

God is at Work Around us

Reader 1: Jesus said to them,

Reader 2: "My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working."

All: He is Alive

Reader 1: He is active.

Reader 2: Through heartbreak,

Reader 3: Through triumph,

Reader 1: Through political unrest,

Reader 4: War and peace,

Reader 2: Our God is at work!

All: He is moving.

Reader 1: He is alive

Reader 3: Apart from me you can do something?

All: No.

Reader 2: Apart from me you are going to do less than you ought?

All: No

Reader 1: Apart from me, you can do nothing.

Reader 4: (whispered) Nothing

Reader 3: (whispered) Nothing.

All: It all starts with God.

Recorded or offstage voice 1: Lord, I just don’t see your hand. My marriage is falling apart. It seems like all the things I’ve worked for all these years is vanishing before my very eyes. Where is my future?

Recorded or offstage voice 2: Lord, I don’t think I can survive this ever growing to do list. Where is your power?

Recorded or offstage voice 2: Lord, I give up. I can’t continue to live this way, I can right my own wrongs. I can’t seem to put the pieces together.

Recorded or offstage voice 4: I guess everything is going OK but something inside me says that there is much more. I don’t want to live an ordinary life. I want my life to count for something.

Reader 1: Jesus laid out the challenge to all of us.

Reader 2: "Live in me.

Reader 3: Take up residence where I am

Reader 1: Just like a branch is no good without the vine

Reader 4: You can’t do anything without God.

Reader 1: You are separated.

Reader 2: You are dead.

Reader 3: You are worthless.

Reader 1: But God is calling to you.

All: He is at work.

Reader 2: He is alive.

Reader 4: He is moving among us.

All: He is here.

Reader 3: And he is calling to you.

Reader 4: He is at work around us.

Reader 2: He comes bearing gifts.

Reader 1: He is at work around us.

Reader 4: He is our only hope.

Reader 2: He is at work around us.

Reader 1: As He was in the burning bush days of Moses.

All: He is today.

Reader 4: As He was in the sling and stone days of David.

All: He is today.

Reader 1: God is at work.

Reader 2: He is.

Reader 4: He is.

Reader 1: He

All: Is.

stream of consciousness

2004-11-08T22:57:00.000-05:00

rule #1. When in a blogging funk write about it. it is your only escape. so here i am writing. and ready to reflect on the past few days that i've been silent.

Sunday's Messages
Morning: Psalm 1: Living a Blessed Life
Evening: The Life Swap: Christ giving us his glory in exchange for our cross.

I'm having such fun preaching. it's been a ministry to me on several levels. i find the pew to be an uncomfortable place. (i'm not proud of this because i believe it shows a lack of humility.) i find it almost impossible to avoid dissecting things that happen in worship. i must continually focus on the work of worship and work it is. There is and should be passion but there is also the stubborn refusal to be spectator in the act of corporate worship. the worship leader stands in the place of ease because worship mandates him to work. for the body- it is much more difficult because worship is indeed a heart matter.

took the kids tonight to see The Incredibles... Definitely living up to its name.

Wrap up for the week

2004-11-05T19:03:00.000-05:00

a bit of a non-blogging week. it's been filled with lots of excitment. we finished the first shoot of life source tuesday night and then home to watch the returns. i stayed up way too late- about 1:30 a.m. and then Caleb stumbled into the living room with a stomach ailment i'll call toomuchcandyiatis. it's an ailment that strangely develops in the first few days of november,

i spent thurday and today working on digitizing the video footage and managing to miss a few meetings. aw darn. i love my new computer and my new task of creating this project. i really need to concentrate on the paper work issues next week while also getting extra footage. i hope to spend some time on the manuals for final cut pro. the final cut pro bug struck and i long to learn more.

Shoot Day a success

2004-11-03T14:32:00.000-05:00

Spent the day shooting the first three Life Source installments. Great progress. We got lots of good stuff but I am really dragging today. Still trying to find my brain's zip code.

Glad it's done

2004-10-30T21:52:00.000-05:00

spent the day cleaning and everythings looks and feels so much better. More trouble with Isaac's Mustang. This is its third trip to mechanic. I'm smelling lemon. It started overheating so we'll get it in on Monday probably. Tomorrow I'm doing the story of the healing of two blind men on the way to Jerusalem. I love micro-stories and breaking them down into even smaller bites. I think it would be possible to write an entire book on each of the stories of Jesus. In some cases you could write a complete book a singular sentence. Such a rich Word we have been given. I take it for granted so many times. It has it all mystery, history, comedy, wars, passion, deceit, wonder, supernatural, parable, proverb, music, foretelling, poetry, subtext, warning, chivalry, scandel, and grace.

Saturday- Time to focus on the living condition...

2004-10-30T11:22:00.000-05:00

What do you get when you place 4 boys, busy parents, a dog, and to cats in a 3 bedroom apartment? A big mess! Darlene has gone to do some final touch ups on the house and I am going to be the slave driver here at the apartment. Last night, CPA beat FRA. Next week will begin the play-offs I believe. CPA is hosting.

Lord, give me success as we try to sort through this squalor.

today's psalm

2004-10-29T17:09:00.000-05:00

Peace
Your peace,
grants earth, ocean, grass rest at close of day
and causes creatures great and small
to find shelter and center
the breeze
the glimmering lights of the stratosphere
even the mystery of a kiss
brings the promise of unseen desire
communion
(I love you)
Even the air drawn fast
and deep
within my lungs
reminds me of the invitation to sleep
yes- (though now it will be the same as yesterday)
someday I will see You
and there will be time
to marvel at the grace of wrens and black birds
to know the song of each lonesome sparrow.
to partake in the dance of night and shalom.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

finally in and am i loving it!

2004-10-29T16:40:00.000-05:00

I am now on my G5 and have a flat screen monitor. It's love at first sight. I've been waiting for so long to get a computer at work that was better than my one at home. I can't wait to get my first video editing in on this and watch the renders scorch down the screen.

I'm calmer now than I was last night. I have just been so frustrated with the process of selling this house in Hermitage and at the same time always feeling like our finances are out of control-- every now and then I have a freak out moment which basically is a time for me to "woe-is-me" myself. It's disgusting...

My Mama didn't raise me that way-- always pointing across the globe to kids who barely had rice for supper. It's an ancient tactic but it worked and happened to be and still is true.

Tonight is Franklin Road Academy. It's a great night for football. I am going to try to forget about my worries for a little and stay in the moment.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

when garbled just state the facts

2004-10-28T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today I...

took nathan and caleb to school early
met in cool springs at the starbucks
(good meeting)
ran into some producers that have lots of gear but they are probably way out of our budgetary league.
ideas are coming together
went with Mark to see Matt's family at St. Thomas
came back to help Craig with his interview for the Men's Frat. folks.
worked on odds and ends such as banner for set
met with louann briefly
did a few contract things
Contacted Northside about the worship stuff.
Went back to St. Thomas to check on Matt J.
doing fine (Thank you Father)
back home
lots of junk to work through at home.
and then I found out that the thing i was expecting was not there which kind of leaves me up in the air and very frustrated.

emails a flyin'

2004-10-27T18:20:00.000-05:00

Spent most of the day working on the details of Tuesday's shoot. Lots of emails on the subject. We got the costing in on the studio which was about twice as much as I thought it was going to be but I still think we'll be getting the project done well under the budget. We are meeting tomorrow with the team. I am very nervous and excited about the shoot. I'm also looking forward to the G5 that is supposed to be coming soon. The past few days I've been eating soup in the office. Creature of habit. I am in my soup phase.

Exciting Story on Polar Express

2004-10-27T08:03:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA (ANS) -- For nearly 20 years, families around the world have made Chris Van Allsburg’s enchanting story The Polar Express part of their own holiday traditions. Now, Oscar Award-winning filmmaker Robert Zemeckis brings this captivating children’s holiday classic to life in a film that uncovers the true values of Christmas – faith, hope and love. (Pictured: The Polar Express poster).

In 2001, this beloved children’s classic about a doubting boy who takes an extraordinary train ride to The North Pole on Christmas Eve caught the attention of acclaimed actor (and father of four) Tom Hanks. He brought the book to his friend and colleague, filmmaker Robert Zemeckis. The Oscar-winning pair previously explored issues of the human spirit together in Forrest Gump and Cast Away. Both were excited by the important spiritual journey taken by the young hero in The Polar Express.

“It’s a story everyone can relate to,” says Zemeckis, who directs Hanks in multiple roles in the upcoming feature film adaptation of The Polar Express. “So many of us, as children or adults, have questioned our belief in something or gone through the process of having our faith tested and restored.”

Equally excited to take part in this film, Hanks salutes Zemeckis for his ability to bring this holiday classic to life. “Bob will make a movie to test the art form, or to wrestle with some aspect of emotion or human nature,” says Hanks. “He doesn’t take his job lightly. He’s interested in making films that somehow break a mold or challenge not only himself as a filmmaker but the entire motion picture oeuvre in some way.”

Motive Entertainment’s Paul Lauer, who directed the marketing campaign for Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ,” was immediately drawn to Zemeckis’ production of the holiday classic and was honored to once again have the opportunity to bring an inspiring film to the faith and family community.

“Once in a while a film comes along that offers us a great example of biblical values. The Polar Express is one of those films,” says Lauer. “It’s filled with positive themes of kindness, generosity, self-sacrifice, and other core values common to people of faith. The Christian community will find many scenes in this film that can be used as parables to unpack biblical teachings and highlight the true meaning of Christmas.”

Max Lucado and Jim Burns have created teaching messages alongside clips of The Polar Express, provided by Warner Bros. for Motive Entertainment’s “Polar Express Sneak Peek” DVD, which is being distributed to 50,000 churches nationwide this month (available at www.polarexpressmaterials.com).

Renowned for his innovation in landmark movies like Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Forrest Gump, Zemeckis utilized a groundbreaking filmmaking process called performance capture, seen for the first time in The Polar Express, “to offer the beauty and richness of Chris’s illustrations from the book.” A highly advanced motion-capture technique, it allows the actors’ live-action performances to drive the emotions and movements of 3-dimensional digital characters as never before.

The Polar Express opens nationwide in the United States on November 10, 2004.

Amen Reggie!

2004-10-26T18:29:00.000-05:00

"'The point is, all the effort to fix the church misses the point. You can build the perfect church - and they (people in the world) still won't come. People are not looking for a great church. They do not wake up every day wondering what church they can make successful.'"

The Present Future
Reggie McNeal

I hate when this happens:-)

2004-10-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

You are in a worship experience and all of the sudden people are holding their hands up legally. For Baptists, the rule used to be. It's OK to hold your hands up in worship as long as you are holding someone else's hands. (I suppose this is to preserve order and keep people from waving their hands back and forth or doing the "rockn' roll" sign.

It's also embarrassing to decline participation in these religious hand holding events because you don't want to be the only one not participating. People will wonder if you are a deacon or something.

For most good, Bible believin' Baptists, this is all well and good if you weight train and can do this for over 5 minutes. Pretty soon, I'm thinking more about - am i gonna die-- than i am about God. I prefer "freestyle pentecostal individual hand raising" above this - "that 70's Church version"

Excellent Words From Robert Browning

2004-10-26T13:03:00.000-05:00

Earth's crammed with heaven.
Every common bush afire with God.
Only he who sees takes off his shoes.
The rest sit around and eat blackberries.

Robert Browning

Frederich Buechner on Grace

2004-10-26T11:58:00.000-05:00

Grace is something you can never get but can only be given. There's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.

A good sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace. Somebody loving you is grace.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

I think I've learned the dirty truth about blogs

2004-10-26T09:04:00.000-05:00

After you have around 40,000 words on any blog the server starts to get very klunky. At least that's my theory. opened to post is taking a lot of time these days. :-(

Lord Tell Me

2004-10-25T21:07:00.000-05:00

Tell me how You spanned infinity
and sang of love's eternity
Tell me how your hands bore clay
And formed a man by close of day.
Let my eyes behold the sky
That birthed the grace of morning dew
that taught the sparrow how to fly
to soar Your glory back to You.

church activity

2004-10-25T14:11:00.000-05:00

John Shea sums up the work the church this way. “Gather the people, tell the stories, and break the bread.”

just a few details

2004-10-24T23:41:00.000-05:00

very good day today despite all the strange unplanned and unexpeccted news.
i don't have time for commentary so here's the running score.
I went to Northside Baptist and preached (morning ony). Matt (the youth and worship leader) I learned is having open heart surgery on Thursday. What an incredible shock. I can only imagine the stress on his family. And yet the peace of God was so evident. Lord, the joy of worshiping under his leadership! It was inspiring to say the very least. They asked me serve as interim. I am excited about the opportunity to be there at this crucial time. I enjoy the spirit of the church and I pray that God will prepare me to be more than just a fill-in guy. The drive is long but I feel like this is where I need to be. There is nothing so precious to me as being in the right place. Tomorrow I'll ask for permission from my bosses to do this.
Other details- Isaac seemed to have a great time at the dance. As he has been doing lately, he followed the rules. Yes. Oh the little things. Wonderful.

Got back into nashville to meet Darlene to clean our old house. After working for a couple of hours purging the office of junk I called home. Isaac's Mustang wasn't holding a charge and so I came home and helped Darlene get it over to Sears. And here I am now working through the details readying for tomorrow.

Thanks, Jesus. What a friend! You held me through the day's challenges. Prepare me for the day and week ahead.

and he's off!

2004-10-23T17:24:00.000-05:00

Isaac is heading to the school homecoming synchronized movement in his mustang. we had the usual parental lecture.

don't mess with the CD player when driving
shake hands with the dad.
be polite
open the door.
tip.
don't hang out with the wrong group.
call us.
be back on time.

etc... etc... etc...

another psalm

2004-10-23T01:57:00.000-05:00

This is my 11th psalm and I haven't missed a day yet:-)

rambling moving creation
definitive yet vicarious in nature
There
(and suprisingly so)
I see You in the glimpses of grace
from the breeze You kiss with midnight mist
You O Creator
Who can doubt the ever moving wonder?
that is the Word
that is mercy
Son of Man
(You are and ever will be
light
breath
hope
joy
I am arrested
by your everlasting mercy.
It is beyond and above my thoughts.
You
Bright and glorious warrior
I crown You King
Scars and wounds are the marks of
strange and glorious passion
For you made, redeemed and brought forth
the coming holy assumption of saints and vagabonds.
I will go down into that strange valley
That fair field of the undiscovered country
there You will meet me
(i believe)
because you are the life giver
the deliverer
the Champion of redemption
Let me seek and find
Let me run and shout
radically teach me the dance of david
and I will place my temple on the ground of worship
gripping dirt in shoeless worship.

These days....

2004-10-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

our work team is facing the reality. "We're gonna need a bigger boat..."

It's 11PM and I know where my kids are.

2004-10-21T23:11:00.000-05:00

Stayed at the office until around 8 PM. Got scads done. It's amazing how work is completed when people go home. I wish LifeWay had a nightshift. I don't think I have a creative thought in my brain before 2pm. Maybe one of these days I'll be the old guy that comes to work when he wants to but enough of the fantasy world. Tomorrow I'm staying home to write.

Today, I felt blessed to be a LifeWay guy. I fired an email up-line about the business and I'll be anxiously waiting to see if it lands on fertile ground.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Dick Staub quote re: the present

2004-10-21T15:13:00.000-05:00

“these are the best of times and the worst of times, but they are the only times we have.”

prayer book?

2004-10-21T14:36:00.000-05:00

recently I've been enthralled with the idea of a Prayer Book for evangelicals. I know that goes against the grain of my Baptist roots but during my trip to Lafayette, the thought arrested me. I began concieve of a worship (not devotional) but a private worship book with psalms, prayers and scripture readings that could used 3 times a day (maybe 4)--- rich in scripture...

if simply for my own enrichment I might begin to do some work on this.

Jehovah the Mighty One (responsive reading)

2004-10-21T09:04:00.000-05:00

Who is the one that measured the span of an infinite universe?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the one that took the dust of earth and fashioned man?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the One that spoke life into being?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Wo is the one that spoke through mules, in flames, and on mountains?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the one that can bring the most powerful nations to nothing?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
Who is the one that causes shepherds to slay giants?
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!
He is beyond any thought, act, birth, death, fear, joy, song, doubt, or distance.
Jehovah, the Mighty One is He!

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Scripture for today

2004-10-20T20:45:00.000-05:00

“After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who neither knew the LORD nor what He had done…”

- Judges 2:10

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Isaac's night

2004-10-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

Isaac said he really enjoyed the men's conference last night. "Season of Life"
He told me the major points and seemed to drink it all in. He hasn't said anything like, "You know, Dad. I realize that Jesus is my only hope and I have made a commitment to follow Him." But I feel like he is moving toward Him. I still believe that his commitment as a child was real. I pray that God will place his feet on the solid ground of truth.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Last night

2004-10-20T20:23:00.000-05:00

Darlene had her school program. It went great. It seems like she's found a great place to serve. We are still working through what we should do with Caleb. We checked a Kindercare program for after school but it is around 350 per month for 30-45 minutes of care. YIKES! I can't believe how much it costs. Lord, give us an understanding and guidance.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

a sports entry?

2004-10-20T20:20:00.000-05:00

Almost as a rule I never make them. but being the underdog lover that I am I must express my joy over the major grand slam the red sox just registered over the yanks.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

minor details

2004-10-20T19:03:00.000-05:00

today i did a little traveling around. I took Jacob and Max to an interview at the fancy foriegn car dealership and then later I had to pick up Caleb. We've been on a video game ban for the past week and it's been a rather nice change. I can't seem to shake my weariness. Still tired from the trip this past weekend. It was fun to get away but I came home to a lot of work.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Chesterton on Hope

2004-10-20T10:40:00.000-05:00

"In the struggle for existence, it is only on those who hang on for ten minutes after all is hopeless, that hope begins to dawn." G.K. Chesterton

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

groggy day

2004-10-19T16:53:00.000-05:00

weary today... did what i had to do and a few other things. Last night the storms around nashville were intense. I think that's why I'm so wiped out. the electricity went out about ten times.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

my mom's easy peanut butter cookie recipe

2004-10-19T15:41:00.000-05:00

cup of peanut butter
cup of sugar
one egg

mix
blap on sheet
350 degrees

viola!

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Prayer for Isaac

2004-10-19T13:54:00.000-05:00

Lord,

I come before you right now, realizing that Your plan always seems to be different than my plan, but I'm going to ask this anyway- knowing that I don't deserve to ask anything of you--- but I pray that you will do something tonight as Isaac attends this men's conference with the football team. Lord, keep him clear of distractions. Let him see you for who you are!! Lord, I am a begging man. A fearful creature, i am. But, You know I love him. You know my heart on this God. I pray, faithless as I may be sometimes-- so afraid that if nothing happens- that it will be a discouragement- but, see me God... I just don't care anymore. If He doesn't change spiritually-- if he doesn't turn around and believe in You with all his heart. I will not slam prayer or faith or anything else. I'm just going to keep on knocking.

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

O God! Open him up. Bring him into a powerful relationship with You.

(Satan, you get off my property. You're way out of bounds)

Event info:
SEASON OF LIFE - JEFFREY MARX / JOE EHRMAN
October 19, 2004
6:30PM
Listen to the author of Season of Life and the man the book is about speak and inspire you about how young men are being raised.

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Modern Psalm 8

2004-10-19T11:00:00.000-05:00

Let the
liberating
death denying
soul surviving
grace abounding
love surrounding
Satan stopping
music swelling
freedom singing
hope reclaiming
blessing naming
song
begin!

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.blogspot.com

in the player

2004-10-18T13:51:00.000-05:00

Chris Tomin: Arriving

matt tullos
for more visit www.modernpsalms.com

Jacob

2004-10-18T13:01:00.000-05:00

Praying for Jacob. His teacher called and said that he was having a rough day emotionally. this is the first time this year that he's dealt with this. Things seemed to be going well. Lord, prepare me for what is ahead.

back home

2004-10-18T11:17:00.000-05:00

I've been blogless for a couple of days. I am back and I have so much to record I'll probably do this over the course of the next day. I burned the interstates this weekend. Took Darlene's car and enjoyed the journey. It amazed me to see all the work that went into this weekend. Emory did a great job and i enjoyed visiting with her, charles and rebecca, ev, and a few other friends that I haven't seen in a while.

What did God teach me this weekend? I think he revealed my lack of real faith. (i hate it when he does that.) I realized that I don't really know the purpose of an event until I get there. sometimes God places us in functional areas that seem to have "stand-alone" purposes when really our primary purpose is the unknown purpose. I also fought the personal battle of cynicism. Lord I repent. I became aware of my waning passion that needs to be ignited.

Visited with mom and dad at the house. I arrived there Saturday night at around 9 PM. I enjoyed sitting on the porch and catching up with them the next morning and then going to visit "the hole" a place where i could later build a house if God asked me to move back to Louisiana. After going around the pond. Melodye and I sat down on some lawn chairs and visited some more. We had Mom's gumbo for lunch, bread pudding for dessert. Lunch helped me realize why it's appointed unto me to live in Tennessee. I need to be able to fit through doors:-) Then at 3:45 I started back home. I drove and rested my mind behind the wheel. Now I'm about ready to begin working on the apartment.

in lafayette

2004-10-15T23:34:00.000-05:00

I got in at around 3:30AM. got a little lost in town but finally made it to the hotel. short night. I taught one class but attendance was sparse for the major break out sessions so overall an easy day. I ate with Mark, Susan and Luke at Don's Seafood. Wonderful. It's so hard for me to believe that Luke has become such a mature man... God bless him. I am amazed at the peace in their home. Too tired to give anymore details but overall a great day and night. Now ready for rest.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God have mercy.

finishing up the work before leaving...

2004-10-14T11:33:00.000-05:00

I've been to a required class on OS X. Now I'm working on LifeSource until I leave for two other meetings. This will be a long, long, day.

This prayer leapt from the pages this morning...

2004-10-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

Almighty God, who seest that we have no power of ourselves to help ourselves: Keep us both outwardly in our bodies and inwardly in our souls, that we may be defended from all adversities which may happen to the body, and from all evil thoughts which may assault and hurt the soul; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Book of Common Prayer

C.S. Lewis on comfort

2004-10-13T16:20:00.000-05:00

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: If you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth - only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

the work of today

2004-10-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

department meetings, lunch for the Vital Character writers conference. (Ted's Montana grill) and then back for a meeting on the book. Worked some on of the video. And then scans for Darlene. Tonight will be a long one but I suddenly have a burst of energy. Probably fearing all I have to do to get off tomorrow. I found out that I have a mandatory meeting at 2PM which means getting off at 3 and getting to Lafayette around midnight. But that's OK. Just excited about getting out of town.

we listen

2004-10-12T22:49:00.000-05:00

we listen
because the world is still
we don't know the fury of the wind or the smile of sun
if never touched and never won
(sweet friend)
do not fear the dust of death
fear not the close of age
fear a life not lived
and the empty page

koinonia

2004-10-12T22:37:00.000-05:00

The Greek word we use as “fellowship”: koinonia, can also be translated, “providing for the needs of” or “sharing resources.”

Is this the conventional churches definition for fellowship?

can't shake it!

2004-10-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

this blasted cold has stepped it up a notch. I've been on and off with this cold. I'm sick of sick. Hoping to get some good rest tonight. I am drained and tired of my head being messed up. It's gross and I'll be glad when it's over.

Isaac got the car tonight. On thursday, he'll take his driver's test.

Albert Einstein: Curiosity

2004-10-12T15:38:00.000-05:00

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

tuesday's movement

2004-10-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

was quite limited. I did have a meeting this afternoon with the True Love Waits committee. I ate in my office and spent most of the day cacooning over Let's Worship details, emails, and other smaller things. I'm about to go home to get things squared away to pick up Isaac's car. He is so excited. Lord, I pray for safety for him and sanity for me.

I was asked to do BCL week at Glorieta. I'm going to check out the possibilities I believe I'll be spending a number of weeks at the conference centers- which I think will be a good thing, especially if I can have some time there with the boys.

at the risk of being absurd, overly ambitious or sanctimonius....

2004-10-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

I am going to try to write a short modern psalm every day for the rest of my life. I hate even writing it down because it sounds so pretentious but I feel like this will enhance my prayer life and give me some much needed focus. I'll house them at a secondary blog I've created modernpsalms.blogspot.com

I know that "rest of my life" is an absurb propostion. But the Christ-journey is filled with foolishness and absurdity. so here we go!

Dallas Willard quote

2004-10-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

we are constantly learning to live our life as Jesus would live our life if he were we. The point here is that we are not trying to live his life but our life. In the flesh Jesus’ life has already been lived. It is our life that needs the living. Remember, Jesus really is Lord; he is the Master of life, all life. He can teach you and me how to live our life.

Charles Spurgeon quote

2004-10-11T11:35:00.000-05:00

"there will be more souls led to heaven by a man who wears heaven in his face than by one who bears Hell in his looks."

back at the office

2004-10-11T10:03:00.000-05:00

i'm so ready to get this week done and head out to louisiana! i look forward to the night driving. just me and some really good music. time to think and reflect. time to see the trees and the water. time to visit with family and a couple of dear friends.

years ago it was...

2004-10-10T22:07:00.000-05:00

years ago it was- what will i be when i grow up?
now.... what will i be when my kids grow up?

moving forward

2004-10-10T21:57:00.000-05:00

joined Brentwood Baptist
made mom's lasagna
patriot games
sick of election spin and lies
isaac joined with us
brentwood is a rich church and we're just faces in the crowd i believe.
i am somewhat cynical about chances to contribute but we're putting the kids first and this is the best move for them and Darlene.
they have tomorrow off (the kids and dar
isaac and i will go tomorrow.
much work to do.
prayers...
looking forward to my trip to LA.
can't wait...

there are two:grief/fear

2004-10-09T20:45:00.000-05:00

Some days i triumph
like a knighted warrior
the swell of the symphony and crimson petals fall with grace
like the grand golden mystery
from the lips of my sweet Savior
and other days i fear the silence of night and the uncertainty
quaking the foundation of my path.
i stand as the subject of a cosmic custody battle
between my creator and the fallen enemy
i cry not for justice
i beg for mercy
restless
violent
reluctant
longing for saftey in bleak complexity.

isaac's progress...

2004-10-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

i don't think I would have imagined doing this a year ago, but we are letting Isaac buy a car. I tremble to think of it, but he has done everything we've asked of him. He has become a very wise son- quite different from a year ago when we were pulling our hair out trying to figure out what to do. he has no grade under 95 and he is excited about church.

click here to read what it was like a year ago

We have had a great turn around thanks to the prayers of our beloved friends. God once again has reminded me of His faithfullness.

To God be the glory. Great things he has done!

another great Twain Quote

2004-10-08T09:16:00.000-05:00

The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.

www.tullos.org

Mark Twain says....

2004-10-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

For business reasons, I must preserve the outward appearance of sanity.

everything

2004-10-08T08:09:00.000-05:00

everything is Yours
from entrance
to exit
from tears
to joy
from winding road
to rushing wave
from highest peek
to darkest depths
you are above
around
beside
from new moon's birth
from changing tide
You speak to starfields
Your grace echoes
to the distant bounds of eternity
from simplicity
to infinite complexity
Oh warrior God
lover of creation
who would stand against You?
who would pause
the divine, endless
dance
toward
this mysterious answer
yes.

The kick is up and...

2004-10-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

I finished the first script for LifeSource and now ready to get reactions from the team. I am so excited about how this thing is progressing. Lord, keep me centered on You and not on me in this! I am so fearful of being a stumbling block. I kind of feel like a field goal kicker who has been sent out to kick a field goal with three seconds on the clock that will send my team to the play-offs. Help me to not forget the team that drove us down the field. (Yes, you know it's October when I start using football analogies to describe spiritual stuff.

details

2004-10-06T06:23:00.000-05:00

busy day ahead. I have a meeting with Chris Turner and then I need to finish work on the Let's Worship contracts and the pilot script for Life Source.

Quiet... Ah

2004-10-05T23:35:00.000-05:00

breathing and dreaming (they are my family)
here I am
awake and seeking
Angels
surrounding these
guarding
let thy servant O Lord
cross into the undiscovered land
I rest in Your arms of love.
Take me.

Life Source Reprieve

2004-10-05T13:43:00.000-05:00

Yes! We have more time! THANK YOU JESUS!

king of pain

2004-10-05T08:18:00.000-05:00

Last night I had one of those personal discussions with myself (I am certified) about pain and pain killers. I am surrounded by hurting people. Indeed I carry around a good bit of pain myself. I spent about an hour in my car and I just allowed myself to explore a subject that I avoid most of the time. That seems to be my m.o. regarding the subject. Avoid thinking about the pain and it will go away. But it doesn't. I have somewhat of a pain-phobia.

Sting's lyric comes to mind:

"I have stood here before in the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I always thought you could end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain"

I don't like to be in pain and I don't want others to be in pain. I guess that's why I am an approval addict. I don't like to cause pain. That’s why I'm so easily persuaded. That's why my days run together with the galloping madness of a stampede. That's why it's so hard for me to be an editor. (Sending out rejection slips is the most painful thing I do because I know the pain I feel when I get those blasted things in the mail or when I am rejected personally. I take way too much ownership over my ideas. This is whitewashed idolatry, pure and simple.

God continues to reveal to me, not my sin, because that is ever before me. But he is showing me the root. It's a scary proposition. Somewhat like opening the report card, hoping for the best but deep down knowing that things are pretty screwed up. Fear of pain leads ultimately to greater pain. The pain will happen. As Lewis said, it is God's megaphone to bring us out of the nursery.

As I grow older, my eyesight weakens, yes. But my vision into myself increases. I can look back and answer questions. Why did I fall into clinical depression? Because of a fear of confrontation. Why did I make life-decisions that ultimately caused me pain- usually the root has been fear. Fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, fear of intimacy, (I know this sounds insane and ironic) fear of hell, fear of peril, fear that I will be "found out", meaning that I'm not the person that I want to be, fear of failure, fear of death. Fear is a powerful force. This fear and timidity has caused me to make incredibly absurd, stupid decisions and I am left to deal with the remorse of its power over me. The thing so terrible and awesomely daunting about fear is that I don't think there is anything I can do in my own power to get this villain out of my life. To be delivered from it requires me to trust wholly in Christ alone. That just seems too simplistic- and I guess that's the point. If I am not willing to be simplistic my life will be a complicated mess.

I give up

2004-10-05T08:03:00.000-05:00

Final Score

Age: 1
Tullos:0

Yesterday, I resigned myself to aging and bought a pair of reading glasses. What's next?

It's really wierd. I am seeing the screen much better but my eyes feel a little sore after I wear them for a few minutes. I don't know if they are right for me. I don't really expect them to improve my writing but I definitely see the aftermath a whole lot better.

Let's Worship- Spring 05 is Gone!

2004-10-04T16:28:00.000-05:00

We finished the issue and sent it to the printer on time. I'm relieved. Now I have a chance to get on top of my work and focus my energy on quality control and creativity.

Lord, thanks for making this day easier than I thought it was going to be. Now I pray that you'll help me folow through on details, contacts, contracts, reading, and most importantly developing new ideas.

meeting on Life Source (formerly known as DIG)

2004-10-04T16:22:00.000-05:00

We had a great day meeting with Charlie, Ruth and Brett. It is amazing how God is putting the team together. We might even have more time that I thought we had.

email from G.B.

2004-10-04T16:19:00.000-05:00

Recieved this email from GB who is on a mission trip in India.

We had church this Sunday morning. I was to preach. The pastor picked us up at 9:15. We drove to his church, which was about 15 minutes away. They did some singing. A young fellow was sitting on the back row, in a chair. He started swaying during the music. He had his hands raised, his eyes closed, and he looked like he was in agony. He fell to the floor, and started writhing towards the front of the church, on his belly. He got all the way to the front and started jerking back and forth. He was right in front of me. The pastor was watching him out of one eye. He was getting more erratic. The pastor came around and started praying for him. He kept pointing at me and saying something. I found out later he was saying, "Keep that Englishman away from me." The pastor motioned me over. I started praying for him. He is going bizerk! He starts jerking around on the floor - holding my pants legs. I have one hand in the air praying. The other I am holding a microphone. I am praying. He is pulling on my pants legs. I start thinking, "I am about to lose my pants! Here I am - in the middle of this excorcism, and I am going to be standing here in my fruit of the looms! This is not a good thing. I shorten my prayer a bit. I am done. The pastor continues with the guy! He finally relaxes and his entire countenance has changed. He is at peace. He is raising his hands in praise. He is calm. I thought of the text where the Gospel said the demoniac was clothed and in his right mind. He is praising God.

I preached. We had a man with a burgandy turban come in and sit next to where I had been sitting. After I am done preaching, the preacher gave an invitation type thing. People put up their hands. Afterwards, he had us sit. Then Ted with the Turban came up. He handed me his card. He is a preacher. He starts to preach. For an hour he preached. Afterwards, he gave an invitation. Now Ted has not seen the writhing on the floor guy. During the invitation (second one) the writher heads towards the front again. He and Ted get into a shouting match. Ted has him by the collar. It is definitely spirtual warfare in front of us. It was amazing. Ted tells the crowd to splt, they do, like the red sea between the writher and the front door. Ted and the writher are going at it. Then the writher falls to the floor. Ted starts clapping. The whole place erupts in joy. You can feel the Spirit in the place in a real way. It was amazing. Then, we have the Lord's Supper. (By now, we have been there 3 hours!).

One lady takes the cup and starts writhing on the floor. The pastor tells everybody to back up. He leaves her to writhe on the floor by herself - unattended.

We have a closing prayer. The lady is calmed down.

After church we went upstairs to the pastor's house. He lives above the church. We have cookies and cola. He explains that he has been working with the lady and that she is not ready to be delivered. Oh, we say, as if this is the most normal thing in the world.

We came back to the hotel.

Then we went to the Red Pepper restaurant for lunch. It's now 2:30. We left for church at 9:15 - remember?

We struck up a conversation with the owners, who invited us to go to an open air bazarre with them. We did (kathy Edwards- my team member and Dale McClesky - my roomie). The lady owner is a believer. The husband is not. We go to the bazarre. I bought 3 elephants - but no boxes.

The took us to a Lebanese place where we had rotissary chicken. And then to have hot fudge ice cream sundaes.

They want us to come back and to let them take us to eat at the army base and etc. They are great folk.

We have had a great day. If India stays this much fun, I will be sad to leave. But, if I keep eating like I did today, I am going to have to buy me a sari to start wearing.
gb

Humor Quote- Marriage

2004-10-03T22:52:00.000-05:00

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

Back home after preaching

2004-10-03T22:43:00.000-05:00

went well. now ready to focus on Let's Worship tomorrow. It should be a very busy day. I need to finish the indexes for the spring issue and then we've got a major meeting with bret robbe and charlie and ruth Jones. I think tomorrow will be fun but i'm sure it'll be exhausting. so full of things to do. flight checking let's worship... tomorrow is critical and i'll need to be at the top of my game.

so how did I become a night person...

2004-10-03T01:31:00.000-05:00

i just don't know where that came from. I always feel alive at night and forced in the morning. I get up early but my greatest communion seems to come at midnight. Now here I am when a plethora of thoughts, prayer, and ideas but I MUST go to bed. I know that all spiritual people meet God in the morning (or so i've been told by numerous mentors) but i am here right now and i must go to bed. Mom's a morning person, Dad's a morning person... I don't have a new thought until the second cup and the compulsion toward reflection and obsessive praying comes to me at night. What's with that?

I'd better post...

2004-10-02T23:57:00.000-05:00

before i go to bed. i felt totally sunk. tired and a bit strung out from the past few days of work. tomorrow I'll be in McMinnville at Northside baptist to speak- morning and evening. I still haven't heard anything about what they plan to do. I think they are very close to calling a pastor so even if I do get some more invitations it won't last long, unless something goes off the radar with them and the candidate..

Last night we went to Isaac's game. He continues to amaze me with his turn-around. I can't express how wonderful his progress has been.

Lord, You have indeed been at work and you were right when you told me that this was something I couldn't do but that You just wanted me to witness Your acts and stand amazed. I must tell you that I am amazed.

My life in so many ways has been a struggle to hide needs and to grow up when actually you wanted me to acknowledge how needy and weak and empty I am and to stop this growing up and selfmakingment. It's wicked, it's idolatry and it is a travesty laid bare before a holy God.

My salvation and my position in the Kingdom is not based upon my own righteousness or my ability to be everything that people expect of me. My writing, my performances, my friendships and everything else that I do for my own position is a pile of waste when I listen for applause, when I seek a nod, or a praise. Pride even mixed with good intention remains a ball and chain.

I am only righteous because of Jesus, It it soley based on the act of Jesus, perfect. It's Jesus plus nothing else.

Oh God, may this thought invade every aspect of my life. Jesus and nothing else.

Have mercy on this frail, prideful angry person, this beggar clinging to the husks. I condemn the rock handed, white washed Christian that I can be sometimes. I run to you, Lord. And You have been so patient with me.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God have mercy.

New important term (for me at least regarding the adjectives)

2004-10-01T19:24:00.000-05:00

nisi credideritis, non intellegetis

Unless you believe, you will not understand

And then there were three

2004-10-01T19:19:00.000-05:00

We have three new names for DIG. Yesterday was a good day. We found out that we'll only have to do three sample video segments for summer 05 and then start in earnest in the fall.

Dylan Thomas "Poem for October"

2004-10-01T14:43:00.000-05:00

Every year on the first of October, (since college) I've read this poem though I'm sure I've missed a year here and there.

It was my thirtieth year to heaven
Woke to my hearing from harbour and neighbour wood
And the mussel pooled and the heron
Priested shore
The morning beckon
With water praying and call of seagull and rook
And the knock of sailing boats on the net webbed wall
Myself to set foot
That second
In the still sleeping town and set forth.

My birthday began with the water-
Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name
Above the farms and the white horses
And I rose
In rainy autumn
And walked abroad in a shower of all my days.
High tide and the heron dived when I took the road
Over the border
And the gates
Of the town closed as the town awoke.

A springful of larks in a rolling
Cloud and the roadside bushes brimming with whistling
Blackbirds and the sun of October
Summery
On the hill's shoulder,
Here were fond climates and sweet singers suddenly
Come in the morning where I wandered and listened
To the rain wringing
Wind blow cold
In the wood faraway under me.

Pale rain over the dwindling harbour
And over the sea wet church the size of a snail
With its horns through mist and the castle
Brown as owls
But all the gardens
Of spring and summer were blooming in the tall tales
Beyond the border and under the lark full cloud.
There could I marvel
My birthday
Away but the weather turned around.

It turned away from the blithe country
And down the other air and the blue altered sky
Streamed again a wonder of summer
With apples
Pears and red currants
And I saw in the turning so clearly a child's
Forgotten mornings when he walked with his mother
Through the parables
Of sun light
And the legends of the green chapels

And the twice told fields of infancy
That his tears burned my cheeks and his heart moved in mine.
These were the woods the river and sea
Where a boy
In the listening
Summertime of the dead whispered the truth of his joy
To the trees and the stones and the fish in the tide.
And the mystery
Sang alive
Still in the water and singingbirds.

And there could I marvel my birthday
Away but the weather turned around. And the true
Joy of the long dead child sang burning
In the sun.
It was my thirtieth
Year to heaven stood there then in the summer noon
Though the town below lay leaved with October blood.
O may my heart's truth
Still be sung
On this high hill in a year's turning.

-- Dylan Thomas

my political view is best articulated in this statement...

2004-10-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

I believe that the end of the world is approaching; that at the last day Christ will descend from heaven, and raise the dead from the grave to final retribution; that a solemn separation will then take place; that the wicked will be adjudged to endless punishment, and those in Christ to endless joy.

New Hampshire Baptist Confession 1833

ponder the squirrel

2004-09-27T14:03:00.000-05:00

A squirrel leaping from bough to bough, and making the wood but one wide tree for his pleasure, fills the eye not less than a lion,--is beautiful, self-sufficing, and stands then and there for nature."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Sure Signs that You Might Need to Delegate

2004-09-27T13:57:00.000-05:00

Article I wrote today for Leaderlife

If you have to use a remote to ring the Sunday School bell because you are keeping the preschoolers and teaching the Ladies Senior Adult class on closed circuit TV, you might need to delegate.

If you come home from work one day only to discover that your son left for college, entered med school, and set up a practice before you realized he was gone, you might need to delegate.

If your leadership base can all fit in your Neon, you might need to delegate.

If the Deacon’s decide to attend worship on a rotating basis, once every quarter, you might need to delegate.

If "Hello, I can’t help you I’m snowed under," becomes your standard phone greeting, you might need to delegate.

If your wife has to set up an appointment 3 weeks in advance in order to schedule an meal together for her birthday.

If you have over fifty-five "…. for Dummies" books in your study, you might need to delegate.

If you go back to school to learn how to play the bass and the basics of interpretive dance because your church is going contemporary, you might need to delegate.

If you develop an involutary twitch everytime somebady says "can you..", you might need to delegate.

If the Church schedules an intervention for you with Dr. Phil, You might need to delegate.

If you find that you have become the chairman of the deacons and the WMU, You might need to delegate.